


GAY OR DEATH

by RebelsAdvocate



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Adventure, Austria, Bears, Birds, Britain, Classical Music, Crack, Crack Pairings, Dead animals, Death, Destruction, England - Freeform, Famine - Freeform, FrUK, France - Freeform, Gay, Germany, Government Spies, Humor, Internet, Kidnapping, Mutiny, North Italy - Freeform, Other, Prussia - Freeform, Random - Freeform, Satire, Screaming, Script Format, Secret Bunkers, Secrets, Sleepless nights, South Italy - Freeform, Spain, Stranded, Struggle with Identification, Survival, Switzerland, Trash Mounds, UK - Freeform, World Travel, black magic, creative cursing, escape plots, gerita - Freeform, great fires, hungary - Freeform, lots of fun, spamano - Freeform, technical difficulties
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-02
Updated: 2017-04-02
Packaged: 2018-10-13 20:04:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 24,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10520874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RebelsAdvocate/pseuds/RebelsAdvocate
Summary: Seven male representatives from several countries in Western Europe are forced to compete in a game show to survive on a strange island! The men choose daily to either take on an impossible challenge, or take another representative on a romantic beachside date! It’s only GAY or DEATH, but their hosts, their feelings, their murderous intentions and backlash from the rest of the world make it hell!





	1. EPISODE ONE - DAY ONE

**Welcome to RebelsAdvocate.com! On our site is a complete collection of the transcripts from the five-star, Emmy-nominated, worldwide television phenomenon** **_GAY OR DEATH: Western Europe!_ ** **The show was historically banned in most countries (including Antarctica and the Moon) and eventually discontinued due to a number of complications, but we have acquired the rights to store it here, by entirely legal means! With much thanks to Hidekaz Himaruya for completing this transaction, we now present** **_GAY OR DEATH: Western Europe!_ **

 

**_Synopsis: Seven male representatives from seven countries in Western Europe compete in a game show to survive on a strange island. The men choose daily to either take on an impossible challenge, or take another representative on a romantic beachside date. It’s only gay or death, but their hosts, their feelings, their murderous intentions and backlash from the rest of the world make it hell._ **

 

**_Creator(s:) Anonymous_ **

 

**_Running length: 5 episodes, 1 season_ **

 

**_Rating: TV-PG_ **

**_(rating is subject to change; some viewers claim should be TV-14 or even Restricted but was originally intended to be TV-PG)_ **

 

**_Average reviewer rating: 10.5 out of 10 stars_ **

 

**_Reviews: scroll to bottom_ **

  
**...**

**EPISODE ONE - DAY ONE**

**...**

 

HOST GILBERT: _Welcome_ to _GAY OR DEATH: Western Europe_! I’m your host; you can call me Gilbert or Gil or Awes—

 

HOST ELIZABETA: _Yes_ , thank you, Prus—er, Gilbert. I’m _also_ your host—

 

HOST GILBERT: But I’m the _main_ host.

 

HOST ELIZABETA: —and I go by Elizabeta. Your third host—

 

HOST GILBERT: He’s not really a host, he’s just a techie.

 

HOST ELIZABETA: —can be found right behind the camera! Turn it around and say hi, my dearest Aus—Roderich!

 

HOST RODERICH: I refuse. [camera wobbles]

 

HOST ELIZABETA: [giggling] Okay, well! It’s day one here on the beautiful Isle of Homosexuals, and it appears that some of our contestants are beginning to wake up from the immensely drugged state they had previously been in! Let’s take a look, shall we, Gil?

 

HOST GILBERT: We shall! I declare it! Let’s see what these amateurs are up to! Get the camera over here, Austria. Watch that tree root. Now, to the beach…

 

[much camera wobbling]

 

HOST ELIZABETA: What a view!

 

S. ITALIAN REP: [incessant screaming]

 

FRENCH REP: _Mon dieu_ , what is going on? All I remember is falling into a peaceful sleep in my own beautiful bed! And I wake up on this disgusting _beach_ , not even one topless sunbather to be seen?

 

SWISS REP: _Get away from me! This isn’t happening!_ I’m getting out, now! [water splashing] _AWAY!_

 

ENGLISH REP: [groans] _Bollocks_ , I _knew_ it was supposed to be the phoenix tears and not the unicorn urine! Er—what? _France_? Switzerland? Spain?

 

SPANISH REP: Hmmm… Britain! Yes?

 

N. ITALIAN REP: [light snoring]

 

GERMAN REP: _Prussia! What is the meaning of this?!_

 

HOST GILBERT: H-Hey, guys! What do you mean, _Prussia_ ? People aren’t named after grand military powers, haha! My name is Gilbert, and I’m your host! Welcome to the brand new television show, airing _worldwide_ , [pause in speech] _GAY OR DEATH_ : _Western Europe_!

 

GERMAN REP: _What?!_

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Contestants, gather round! And someone wake up our Northern Italian representative! It’s about time to hear the rules!

 

SWISS REP: [distantly, muffled] _I’m not coming any closer until you provide me with a gun and tell me what’s going on_!

 

HOST RODERICH: [from behind camera] He knows he can’t just run out to sea like that, right? So rude.

 

HOST GILBERT: Guns don’t exist on the Isle of Homosexuals, rookie. Out here it’s only us, the tech equipment supplied in our budget, the forest and the…the wild bears.

 

SWISS REP: _I’ll rip that faux microphone from your hands and shove it down your throat if you don’t explain yourself right this instant!_

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Well wouldn’t that just be delightful to see. [giggle] And to hear.

 

HOST GILBERT: Your puny threats don’t scare me; I’ve had worse things shoved down my throat!

 

HOST RODERICH: How vulgar.

 

GERMAN REP: I agree with Switzerland. I demand you three tell us what you’ve done to us and—

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Uh, uh, uh! We don’t talk to people like they represent countries here, that’s silly and quite nonsensical! You can address each other as _representatives_ from your respectful countries, or simply call each other by name. After all, this _is_ an international program, going out to the whole world…

 

S. ITALIAN REP: [continuous screaming]

 

FRENCH REP: Well, if _I’m_ being filmed, your cause can’t be all that bad. Do tell us more.

 

HOST GILBERT: Getting to that, yes! The _GAY OR DEATH_ project enlists one representative from each country in Western Europe to participate in an international survival game show of love and terror!

 

ENGLISH REP: Hang on—if it’s one representative from each western country, then why aren’t Belgium, Netherlands, Luxembourg, Portugal and Liechtenstein here? Or my brothers?

 

SWISS REP: _Do not bring my sister into this!_

 

HOST GILBERT: Don’t interrupt me! Let’s just say those representatives…could not be contacted. Which is kind of sad, because now we have an odd number…

 

SPANISH REP: Number?

 

HOST GILBERT: Hush, let me finish, bro! The rules of the game! Every day on the island, all representatives must decide what task they want to suffer through. And yeah, you don’t get a choice about whether or not you want to participate, _Swiss representative._

 

HOST ELIZABETA: There are two choices—two _challenges_ —and your job is to pick one of them.

 

HOST GILBERT: You could pick the physical challenge, which is the _DEATH_ challenge! I’m your coach for that. Together, we’ll work on rebuilding this island with our bare hands to make a better environment for you to suffer in! Most representatives will pick my challenge, because it’s the best.

 

[camera shakes, bird call in the distance]

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Most representatives will in fact pick Host Gilbert’s challenge because _my_ challenge only has a spot for a very special _two_ . I’m your dating relationship coach, and when you pick _my_ challenge, you are paired up with whoever else picked me, and the two of you go on a romantic beachside date! _Unless_ you already have a special someone in mind. In that case, you can request for another particular representative to come with you on the date, before another rep picks my option.

 

ENGLISH REP: I guess that’s the _GAY_ part.

 

GERMAN REP: And the purpose of this all is… ?

 

HOST GILBERT: To push you to your limits to find a new sense of purpose and adventure in life!

 

HOST ELIZABETA: To push you to your limits to find true love!

 

HOST GILBERT: Hit it, Roderich!

 

[shuffling]

 

HOST RODERICH: No, I edit in the theme song after we have it all filmed, right? Ugh, I can’t believe I was roped into this nonsense.

 

[a pre-recorded background chorus chants _GAY OR DEATH,  GAY OR DEATH, GAY OR DEATH…_ ]

 

FRENCH REP: I must apologize, Hungary and Prussia, but your attempts hardly represent _true love_ . It’s forced and rigged! And even if we all _are_ gay…

 

S. ITALIAN REP: [screaming volume begins to crescendo]

 

SPANISH REP: [whispering] Are we all gay?

 

N. ITALIAN REP: [yawning] Oh, _buongiorno_! What’s going on? Gay? Who’s gay?

 

[groan from behind camera]

 

HOST GILBERT: It _is_ true love! France, buddy, you should _enjoy_ this! Er, I meant to say “representative from France.” Point is, we’re starting now, and whoever chooses my awesome challenge last has to endure Elizabeta’s.

 

ENGLISH REP: Well, what’s your challenge for today, then? I’d much rather clean the environment than be forced to have one of you imbeciles as company for the rest of the day. I choose _DEATH._

 

FRENCH REP: [laughter] That says a lot, considering your streets are so dirty! And other things about you…

 

ENGLISH REP: Hey! You’re one to talk—

 

HOST GILBERT: _My DEATH_ challenge of the day, lucky contestants, involves taming those annoying wild bears! They’ve been getting on my nerves ever since we were parachuted down here.

 

HOST RODERICH: And they’ve been chewing all my wires! Do you know how _hard_ it was to bug the forest? I had to have a complete new suit flown in!

 

GERMAN REP: The forest is bugged? Parachutes? This is blatant insanity! We’re stranded! Where _is_ this island, anyway? We have meetings to attend, nations to govern!

 

SPANISH REP: Wild bears sound like nothing compared to wild bulls! I choose Prussia’s challenge, _DEATH!_ What will you choose, Romano? I thought you would choose _DEATH_ , too, but if you switch I’ll be happy to as well…

 

S. ITALIAN REP: [break in screaming] Of course I’m choosing _DEATH_ , you idiot! Death can _have_ me! I’d kick the heavenly _crap_ out of that bucket to get away from you all!

 

HOST ELIZABETA: That leaves just our representatives from Germany, North Italy, France, and Switzerland eligible for the _GAY_ challenge. Remember, the last two reps who don’t choose _DEATH_ first automatically must take the date!

 

SWISS REP: _Hah!_ It’s so simple, then—none of us choose! No one say _anything_! They can’t force us to—

 

HOST GILBERT: [gasp] Oh, no! Swiss representative, look out for that completely random _wild bear_! It’s charging right towards you; must have come from the forest!

 

SWISS REP: What? What the— _aaaauuuuugghhqhgehwhc—_ [splash]

 

HOST RODERICH: You are so crude, Gilbert.

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Yeah, I’m choosing _GAY._

 

GERMAN REP: _What?_ Did you not hear Switzerland’s plan? And weren’t you just _asleep_ five seconds ago?!

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Sorry, Germany! I don’t like the looks of those crazy bears. And I figured if we’re stranded on this island, I might as well try to stay alive!

 

GERMAN REP: “ _Might as well try_?!” Italy…

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Don’t worry! You’re big and strong and I’m sure you can handle the bears! But if you’re scared too, I can just choose for you to do the _GAY_ challenge with me! Would you like that?

 

HOST ELIZABETA: [at a whisper] Audience, I think our German representative is _blushing_!

 

HOST GILBERT: Be strong, brother. I know the Italian’s tempting. _Mein Gott_ , he’s tempting.

 

SWISS REP: [distant unintelligible screamings and splashings]

 

FRANCE: I—I—Ugh, fine. _I_ choose _GAY_.

 

ENGLISH REP: Hah!

 

GERMAN REP: _What?_ But, but France, you—you just said you were too proud for the game!

 

FRENCH REP: Well, I did some thinking…

 

ENGLISH REP: Surprising.

 

FRENCH REP:…and I figured that dear Italy has the right idea. If we are to stay on this island for so long, and we’re the only things on here besides the equipment and the gorgeous scenery, that means we may not have other necessary means of survival. Going on a date means being fed, and keeping my _ensemble_ away from those vicious bear claws. You’d have to be stupid to not see it.

 

HOST RODERICH: [quiet] How imprudent. Who said we’d _feed_ you?

 

GERMAN REP: Are you kidding me?

 

FRENCH REP: [in a sly tone] _Non_ , Germany.

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Wait, this means I have a date with _big brother France_? Um…

 

HOST GILBERT: Please say “French representative!” Just everyone, please! I do _not_ want a lawsuit! After _die Holländer_ left…

 

FRENCH REP: Ah, _oui_. I am sorry, Italy. It was the only way. At least we are both countries of romance.

 

HOST ELIZABETA: That means the two slots in my challenge are filled! Sorry, German representative, Swiss representative; you’ll have to take Gilbert’s challenge with everyone else!

 

S. ITALIAN REP: I can’t believe the little shit.

 

SWISS REP: _Everyone—_ [splash]— _is going—_ [growl from bear]— _to die!_

 

FRENCH REP: Not me!

 

HOST GILBERT: Oh, shut up, cheese-hole. And you, Francis, you better enjoy it. I can’t believe _GAY_ filled up faster than _DEATH_. Oh, well, I’m still better. Let’s go hunt some bears, kiddies!

 

SPANISH REP: Yay!

 

GERMAN REP: This is insanity.

 

HOST ELIZABETA: You know it! And that, folks, is _GAY OR DEATH_! We’ll return to you after the break!

 

HOST RODERICH: Okay, Hungary, how do I turn this thing off—

  
**...**

**COMMERCIAL BREAK**

**...**

 

HOST GILBERT: Aaaaand we’re back to _GAY OR DEATH: Western Europe_! I’m your host, Gilbert the Awesome, and right now I’m leading a pack of wild, angsty, testosterone-filled animals through the woods! We’re goin’ on a bear hunt, gonna catch a big one...

 

GERMAN REP: This is the worst, most humiliating bear hunt _I’ve_ been on, and I haven’t been on many. Can we please just go home and leave the wildlife alone?

 

HOST GILBERT: _Shh,_ little German rep, or the bears will hear you! When Roderich and I bugged the forest, we discovered that the bears are sneaky little bastards. They’ll jump out at you! Roderich ain’t here now—he’s off with your other host to entertain the lovely couple—but he’ll tell you _all_ about how he fainted and I had to bravely save him.

 

SPANISH REP: What a story!

 

HOST GILBERT: Indeed. Okay, we’ll be nearing the nest very soon. Everyone have their weapons?

 

S. ITALIAN REP: Does it count if I chuck Spain at the bears? I think I’ll just do that.

 

SPANISH REP: [gasp] What a good idea, Romano!

 

GERMAN REP: [moaning] We need _weapons_? This is terrible. And what kind of tropical island has wild bears, anyway? Gilbert, where are we?

 

ENGLISH REP: Yes, pray do tell where this island _is_ , at least. Do we have any way of getting off if we run into trouble? What if someone gets hurt?

 

HOST GILBERT: I said _shhhhhhhhh_! That doesn’t matter! We’re just upon the nest, that’s where we are! Everyone crouch down. Swiss representative, hand me your rifle.

 

[a beat of silence, jungle sounds]

 

HOST GILBERT: Okay, where the peeled-potato is our Swiss representative.

 

S. ITALIAN REP: We left him at the beach, remember? And you said there were no guns, you liar!

 

HOST GILBERT: _Oh,_ [beep]. Okay. So we’re unarmed in the middle of a highly-concentrated bear area. This is where it’s time for me to give you some of my coaching wisdom! Everyone back up slowly…

 

[distant sounds of screaming]

 

ENGLISH REP: My God, what is that?

 

[screaming gets louder]

 

GERMAN REP: It’s Switzerland!

 

HOST GILBERT: He’s gonna blow our cover! Damn…

 

SWISS REP: [offscreen] _Run! Flee! They’re coming!_ [rumbling noises and crashes]

 

HOST GILBERT: Well, this just ruins the plan. _Thanks, Swiss rep_.

 

ENGLISH REP: [shaky] Um, shouldn’t we be escaping in fear?! It sounds like an avalanche!

 

GERMAN REP: Italy should have come. _He_ could run fast enough. We’re all doomed.

 

HOST GILBERT: [haughty laugh] Oh, dear German representative, always brooding over your boyfriend. Well, too bad! We’re not going to run! Only cowards run! This worked out perfectly, actually; Switz—the Swiss rep is bringing the bears right to us! That way we can kill them faster!

 

ENGLISH REP: _What_?!

 

SPANISH REP: Interesting strategy…

 

[louder rumbling, interspersed with the screaming of the void]

 

S. ITALIAN REP: Screw all of you! I’m out!

 

HOST GILBERT: Italian rep, _no!_

 

[giant explosion]

  
**...**

**COMMERCIAL BREAK**

**...**

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Hello, world! This is _GAY OR DEATH: Western Europe_ , and I’m your host, Elizabeta. Today the _GAY_ challenge was bravely undertaken by our French and North Italian representatives, landing them on a romantic beachside date together! How do you feel, boys?

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Confused, terrified and hungry, Ms. Hungary! Ha ha! So, really, nothing new.

 

FRENCH REP: A little sick, thank you. Hopefully the food is nice. I’ve been developing a headache, and lately my back has been _killing_ me. Also, when I woke up there was this strange ringing in my ear, as if a little bird was perched there, pecking, _pecking_ —

 

HOST ELIZABETA: No, I meant about each other, and this date…never mind. Let’s walk along the beach for a bit until we reach our destination of romance.

 

FRENCH REP: Hey, why are you holding the camera, anyway? Where did Austria disappear to? I miss his refreshing…presence.

 

HOST ELIZABETA: We’ll find out soon! Oh, representative from Italy, please step away from the beach for a second. There’s an oil spill over there.

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Oh.

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Yeah, and there’s a big dump of trash somewhere in the woods. And I mean _massive._ This island is terrible, but it was the cheapest we could rent.

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Where are we, Host Elizabeta? I mean, where _is_ this island?

 

HOST ELIZABETA: No questions, silly little boy! Just romance and—oh, here we are!

 

FRENCH REP: Ooh la la, there he is! Marvelous! How did you get the piano onto the beach, Ms. Hungary?

 

HOST RODERICH: It was already here, of course. All beaches come with pianos. [disgruntledly high piano note]

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Yes! Our wonderful host has donated his time and service to provide calming background music for you two young lovers!

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Wow!

 

HOST ELIZABETA: And over here, darlings, is the Rock of Love. This giant rock will be your table, the base for your romance. Please take a seat and enjoy the view.

 

N. ITALIAN REP: That wasn’t a Biblical reference, was it?

 

FRENCH REP: What will we be served this evening?

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Ah. Yes, about that. I’m working on it. I was only allowed to bring my frying pan, so it’ll take a while to find something I can cook. Which means a lot of bonding time for you two! Enjoy!

 

FRENCH REP: _What_? No, Elizabeta—come back! Ugh! Every second on this sand gets worse and worse! [slap of skin against rock] My dear stomach. [loud moan]

 

[HOST RODERICH begins to play Chopin’s Nocturne Op. 9, No. 2 softly]

 

N. ITALIAN REP: That’s pretty, Austria!

 

[HOST RODERICH does not respond]

 

FRENCH REP: Italy, how do you do it? How do you stay so cheerful all the time? And by God, how do you _nap_ through all of the...how you say... _terrible screaming_? I envy the skills you have, and all the admiration you get.

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Really? I’m—I’m not sure what you mean?

 

FRENCH REP: It is quite obvious how Germany’s head-over-balls in love with you; seems like half the continent was at a time or another. [small, frustrated convulsion noise] As for me, it always seems like I’m the _lover_ , not the loved! Does this little stunt of Prussia’s and Hungary’s not frustrate you?

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Oh. Well… _I_ think you are a very nice country, big brother France! You—you have had lovers in the past, no?

 

FRENCH REP: [distantly] … _Oui_ , and how I loved them. Oh, Italy! I think I am a mess.

 

HOST RODERICH: [to camera] This got intrusive quick.

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Ha, ha, it’s okay! You don’t know—I could be a mess, too! Maybe my constant cheerfulness is a ploy to mask the fact that I’m always one-hundred percent distressed and secretly plotting to kill everyone!

 

FRENCH REP: I don’t get it, right? I just can’t ever seem to—wait, what?

 

[a brief stumble in the background piano music, then a recovery as the song continues]

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Only joking. But don’t worry, France! You’ll find someone. You are very…talented!

 

FRENCH REP: [distantly again] Ah, yes. I am.

 

N. ITALIAN REP: [somewhat wistfully] And as for me, my romantic life hasn’t been all that impressive as of—oh, look! Food! [delightful squeal]

 

HOST ELIZABETA: I return, representatives! And I must apologize, for I could not find any food. Us hosts only brought along beer and a roll of crackers, and how terrible to eat _that_ on your first date? But I did find the mound of trash and the others. I asked, and sadly, none of them had food.

 

FRENCH REP: You mean we will _starve_? I just got off a diet! How unfair!

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Hey, watch it! Maybe it was unprepared of _you_ to not bring food! You’ll just have to talk with your date for now, keep the conversation going. How is it so far?

 

N. ITALIAN REP: I was enjoying the fresh air and the ocean, Ms. Hungary. This really is a fun, unique place! A tire just washed up over there; maybe we can play with it later to have _more_ fun!

 

HOST RODERICH: [while playing] Ah, yes, how romantic. I love to play with tires.

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Oh please, you two don’t look like you were having any fun in the first place. Why don’t you hold hands—that’s a good way to get comfortable! Give the viewers what they want! I’m going to go stand over by Roderich and let you have some more privacy, okay? Except for the cameras and the whole world watching, of course.

 

FRENCH REP: Of course.

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Of course!

 

HOST RODERICH: Put me out of my misery. [sour piano note]

  
**...**

**COMMERCIAL BREAK**

**...**

 

HOST GILBERT: [breathing heavily] We’re back! _GAY OR DEATH_! I’m Gilbert and—[high-pitched scream, crash]

 

SPANISH REP: These wild bears are nothing like wild bulls! I repeat, nothing like the bulls! I’m beginning to worry!

 

ENGLISH REP: _No_ , we’re all currently running for our lives, _Spain_ , and none of us are _worried_!

 

GERMAN REP: They’re right behind us! I can hear Switzerland’s obscene screamings!

 

SWISS REP: [obscene screamings]

 

HOST GILBERT: Everyone listen to your coach! We’re going to make a hard right here, I think I remember there being some kind of landform we could climb on top of to escape!

 

S. ITALIAN REP: [from further ahead] Found it, bitches!

 

HOST GILBERT: [maniacal laughter] _Yes_ , onward, contestants! _Onward_!

 

GERMAN REP: I see it! It’s a…a giant mound of trash?

 

ENGLISH REP: Who cares? Climb it! [shriek]

 

[explosion noise from forest]

 

SWISS REP: [panting] I’m here, I’m— _what?_

 

S. ITALIAN REP: Hey, get off my mound of trash, you buttheads! I called it first!

 

SPANISH REP: Romano, don’t you care about our safety?

 

S. ITALIAN REP: Hah, _no_! If the bears eat you I get more time to escape!

 

[giant explosion from forest]

 

SPANISH REP: [gasp] Romano, _help_!

 

HOST GILBERT: Yes, the bears are finally here! [cackling]

 

SWISS REP: [girlish yodel-hybrid scream]

 

S. ITALIAN REP: [higher girlish war scream]

 

[loud growling bears]

 

SPANISH REP: AAAaaaaEEEEEEEeeeeEEEEYYYYY—[gasp] Romano! You saved me!

 

S. ITALIAN REP: [grunts, flustered]

 

ENGLISH REP: Oh, [beep]! I just tore my pants climbing over the barbed wire! Stupid France and his stupid—

 

GERMAN REP: Prussia? Are you alright down there?

 

HOST GILBERT: Relax, baby. Everything’s going according to plan! Look, they think I’m their mother. [cooing noises]

 

[bear growling noises]

 

S. ITALIAN REP: Lord save us.

 

HOST ELIZABETA: _I’ll_ save you! Hiyah!

 

[bears grunting, scuffling]

 

HOST GILBERT: [gasp]

 

ENGLISH REP: Ms. Hungary! Where did you come from?

 

HOST ELIZABETA: I’ve got two hot lovers on the beach who need some sustenance! _Aw_ , look at you, little bear! _Aren’t you just the cutest_!

 

[bear gives soft whine]

 

HOST ELIZABETA: So, anyone got any food?

 

SWISS REP: _We_ were almost food! These bears have rabies—why are you petting them?!

 

HOST ELIZABETA: [laughter] Look, they think I’m their mama!

 

HOST GILBERT: _I_ was their mama.

 

GERMAN REP: Their _dead_ mama. You’re lucky she showed up and calmed the animals down before they climbed up and attacked us all! This is too much for me. I must leave.

 

S. ITALIAN REP: [haughty laughter] And where do you plan to _go_ , Mr. Potato Head?

 

GERMAN REP: Are you kidding me? You’ve all given in to your fate as cheap fodder for this stupid joke show to throw around? Where is Austria, I’ll force him to tell me how to—

 

HOST GILBERT: Ah, ah, ah! You have given into _GAY OR DEATH_ , too, German rep—you just don’t know it yet! Now, everyone come down off the mound. This incident has given me an idea for tomorrow’s challenge, and we must prepare for the night!

 

SWISS REP: We’re not staying the _night_ here!

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Oh, yes you are! This is a test of perseverance, as _well_ as other things. _GAY OR_ DEATH, right? I’ll lead these bears away, and then I need to get back to my young sweethearts!

 

GERMAN REP: [exhausted sigh] For God’s sake, they’re practically related.

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Technically, you’re _all_ somewhat related, German representative! [giggle] Now come on, my cuddly warriors! Back to your nest!

  
**...**

**COMMERCIAL BREAK**

**...**

 

HOST ELIZABETA: We return to _GAY OR DEATH_ , where it appears our two _GAY_ contestants are deep in conversation. Can you hear what they’re saying, Roderich?

 

[HOST RODERICH does not reply, but continues to play _Chopin’s Op. 9, No. 2_ on a loop]

 

N. ITALIAN REP: So, France, do you think this island is yours? Catch!

 

FRENCH REP: _Oof_ . This tire is heavy. And _non_ , the island does not belong to me. Nothing French would have trash ugly like this! Incoming!

 

N. ITALIAN REP: I got it, ow, _ow,_ okay! Well, it is not mine, either, although it is pretty warm. Could it be Austria’s or Hungary’s?

 

FRENCH REP: They are landlocked, little one. It could be Spain’s, but he never said anything. The poor fool, too distracted by your brother. At least I can _see_ love. [grunt] Maybe we are in Portugal.

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Oops, dropped it! Hm, do you think it could be Germany’s? Or Britain’s?

 

FRENCH REP: They would know, too. Or maybe it _is_ Britain’s and he’s just too embarrassed to admit it! He would do that, the sneaky snake! Oh, Italy, do come closer. There’s no way I can catch it from that distance.

 

N. ITALIAN REP: [wince] Ooh, good job! _Sì_ , I worry about Germany. He seemed angry and perplexed. But then again, he is angry and perplexed a lot. If what you said about him is true, France, then I’m not sure what to think!

 

FRENCH REP: Don’t think. Just let the love take over. That is my strategy! _Augh_!

 

HOST RODERICH: [at a whisper] Are they still playing catch with that disgusting tire?

 

HOST ELIZABETA: [at a whisper] Let it happen, my dear. Let it happen. The others will return soon. I think this date has failed.

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Maybe we should stop. It’s probably not good for people who are starving to death to play catch with a tire, yes?

 

FRENCH REP: Yes, you are right. We should conserve our energy. But it was fun.

 

N. ITALIAN REP: It was! I was happy to talk with you, big brother! You will find love like you always do, even if it is not through this TV show. I believe in you!

 

FRENCH REP: I would hope not. This show is a disgrace. Now I’m going to go lay over here for a while and try to tan. [sigh]

 

HOST GILBERT: _Guess who’s back?!_

 

HOST RODERICH: Oh, no.

 

FRENCH REP: Oh, Gilbert.

 

HOST GILBERT: We’ve brought supplies! We’re gonna build a fort for tonight so you all can sleep, and it’s made out of trash! How fun is that?

 

ENGLISH REP: It’s an absolute _joy_.

 

GERMAN REP: And it’s killing my back.

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Excuse me, there’s a date going on!

 

S. ITALIAN REP: All I see is my idiot brother hooking up with a tire, and—what is that? Could it be? I found food, everyone! Over there is a baguette, just lying in the sand!

 

SPANISH REP: Where? All I see is Francis!

 

N. ITALIAN REP: You mean you hosts won’t stay with us through the night? What if we get eaten by the wild bears?

 

HOST GILBERT: Hmm, you are weak, little noodle child. Have no fear, the bears will not harm you! My team and I led them safely away, back to their nest.

 

GERMAN REP: Ms. _Hungary_ led them away.

 

SWISS REP: Do bears even live in nests? I think this is all a joke.

 

HOST GILBERT: If one does happen to sneak up on you when you’re sleeping, and it doesn’t eat you first, try to kill it so we can eat it!

 

ENGLISH REP: What a great idea. I can use this dirty tarp, the coil of twine, and the half of a barrel that I found! A _truly_ foolproof plan to kill a bear. [abrupt pause] _Wait…_

 

FRENCH REP: [quietly] Dear me, you all seem so bitter. What happened?

 

HOST GILBERT: How was the date, Elizabeta? Roderich?

 

HOST RODERICH: It was fun, I guess.

 

HOST ELIZABETA: [aside to HOST GILBERT] We’ll have to find true love in the next rounds, Gil. Surprisingly, the two romantics produced an undesirable amount of romance.

 

HOST GILBERT: I see. How pathetic. If only _I_ could participate in the competition… [soft sigh] I would win.

 

SPANISH REP: So, what are we doing about dinner and sleep, again? I only found some wooden planks and the skull of a horse in the trash pile. None of this is good to make shelter with.

 

HOST GILBERT: Well, my man, that’s just _too_ bad. Part of the game is survival! And the scenery is so nice, especially at night. You’ll have to enjoy the stars for now.

 

SWISS REP: No! This is the last time, I’m telling you! I refuse. I’m going to find some way to communicate with Luxembourg, or Portugal, or _anyone_ to get us _off_ this island! My boss will know I’m gone, and my people will find me! You can’t stop me! I will sleep here for now, but I will not participate in another of your _challenges_ again! I’m—I’m going over here, and…

 

HOST RODERICH: He’s finally cracked.

 

SWISS REP: I’m going over here, and look! [pause, grunting] I’m drawing a _line_ in the sand, and if any of you step one _foot_ across it, you’re a dead man!

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Or a woman.

 

SWISS REP: Or a woman!

 

SPANISH REP: What about the bears, Switzerland?

 

SWISS REP: I’ll _kill_ the bears.

 

S. ITALIAN REP: That’s not what happened last time you encountered the bears.

 

SWISS REP: I-I don’t care! They’ll all die, somehow, some way! Now, leave me alone! [sob] I miss my sister.

 

GERMAN REP: Look what you’ve done, Prussia, Hungary, Austria. Austria, I thought _you_ were above this. You’ve broken the poor soul, and you plan to starve us into humiliation. Is it because you know we won’t die as fast, is that it? Why play this cruel game?

 

HOST GILBERT: Don’t be so quick to fall into philosopher mode, German rep! As far as you know we’re doing you a favor! Your life was boring before this, admit it.

 

ENGLISH REP: A _favor._ Really. Germany is right, this is the worst form of entertainment I’ve ever seen. For God’s sake, we’re _nations_ , we’re not supposed to—

 

HOST GILBERT: _SHHHHHHHHHHH_ . This show was the best idea I’ve had in decades. We’ll see what the rest of the world thinks about it. [ _humpf_ ]

 

HOST RODERICH: Yes.

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Thank you, Gilbert, Roderich, representatives. We do hope your stay here is pleasurable and that you sleep nice and comfortable tonight. Maybe snuggle up with the one you love, I don’t know! Tomorrow we will wake you up earlier so you have the entire day to complete your challenges, and more time to adjust to the shift in time zone…that is, if you aren’t already used to this time zone.

 

SPANISH REP: What about shelter?

 

ENGLISH REP: [exasperated outburst] Why don’t we _all_ just build a fire, roast marshmallows, and sing _Kumbaya_!

 

N. ITALIAN REP: But we don’t have marshmallows!

 

HOST GILBERT: Exactly! Do that, you puny babies. We’re leaving. Come on, guys!

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Do have a good night, everyone. We hope to see you refreshed and well in the morning. Roderich, the camera?

 

[muffled groan, feet on sand, music stops]

 

FRENCH REP: Where are you going?! Don’t tell me there’s some secret hotel on this rock.

 

HOST GILBERT: Nah, we all sleep in a cave together. Just like the old days, right, guys?

 

HOST ELIZABETA: [small groan]

 

HOST RODERICH: Stop nudging me!

 

S. ITALIAN REP: This truly is the Isle of Homosexuals.

  
**...**

**HOURS LATER IN THE SECRET BUNKER OF INTERNET CONNECTION**   
**...**

 

HOST GILBERT: Oh my God, oh my _wienerschnitzel_ , guys, guys, wake up! Wake up! We have a review! Our first _review_!

 

HOST RODERICH: [grumbling] You honestly thought I could fall _asleep_ on this solid rock floor?

 

HOST GILBERT: Austria, we gave _you_ the freaking rollout bed to _save_ your weak, fragile bones! And the floor’s not rock, it’s nice, warm concrete!

 

HOST RODERICH: [more unintelligible grumblings]

 

HOST ELIZABETA: What is it, Prussia? I’m trying to get my beauty rest! Someone turn on that old gas lamp.

 

HOST GILBERT: No, just come look at the computer screen. I think it’s Al. It’s _gotta_ be. Man, oh man…

 

HOST RODERICH: Oh, dear God.

 

  
**...**

 

 

11/10 stars :: **A gift to the world!** :: TheHeroOfficial50 :: 14:46 PM EST

 

I LOVE THIS SHOW! ! ! ! ! it is funny and violent!!!!!!!! The idea is genius!!!!!!! as soon as Congress let out we all went back to my place and made popcorn and saw the first episode and everyone thought it was awesome!!!!(even the ones who hate y’all)!!!! I CAN NOT WAIT FOR THE NEXT EPISODE :) :) :) come see me some time and we’ll make this a movie :) I am serious! ! ! ! ! I rly hope everyone finds true love! ❤❤❤ it is so romantic, I wish I was this romantic wow. Also, how do you know who wins after they compete? Who is the winner? i want this show to win an Emmy. You have alot of talent. I liked the bears the best but almost cried when I thought you were gonna kill them. I downloaded the theme song on my phone and it is very awesome to listen to! Just warning you though I’m getting a crap ton of phone calls from “someone” in “China” just saying I mean you were really “explicit” (if you know what I mean) so try to be less “explicit!” now gotta show this to the CIA they’ll love it too! ❤ Keep up the amazing work!

 


	2. EPISODE TWO - DAY TWO

 

**...**

**EPISODE TWO - DAY TWO**

**...**

 

 

S. ITALIAN REP: [frustrated] Okay, everyone. _ Listen _ to me. As soon as their ugly faces appear from the woods, we attack! The  _ very second _ you see the bastards, got that?

 

FRENCH REP: [excited]  _ Oui!  _

 

SPANISH REP:  _ Sí! _

 

N. ITALIAN REP: [sounds of a beautiful, peaceful sleep]

 

GERMAN REP: I hate my life.

 

[rooster crows in the distance, silence]

 

ENGLISH REP: Wh—what’s going on over here? [bleary]

 

FRENCH REP: Since when did  _ you  _ decide to show up? We’re staging a revolution! Grab a board as a weapon to fight. Here, take the shorter one.

 

ENGLISH REP: I will  _ not  _ take the  _ shorter _ —hang on, we’re doing  _ what _ ?

 

SPANISH REP: It is the only way to escape our fates! Join us! [pause] And, yes, where  _ were _ you?

 

ENGLISH REP: I was—I was checking on Switzerland, to be polite. He’s sleeping out there all alone, under a blanket of sand, curled into a tiny ball. It’s humiliating.

 

GERMAN REP: [quietly, to himself] Less humiliating than having Italy grope you all night.

 

N. ITALIAN REP: [drowsy mumble]

 

SPANISH REP: Did you cross Switzerland’s line?

 

ENGLISH REP: [quickly] Heavens, no.

 

S. ITALIAN REP: Everyone,  _ shut up _ ! I hear them coming! Hide behind our trash fort!

 

FRENCH REP: Yes, to the trash fort!

 

GERMAN REP: To the disgraceful trash fort.

 

N. ITALIAN REP: [waking up] To what?

 

HOST GILBERT: Hey, Hun—Elizabeta, get a load of this! The contestants are all awake, waiting for us! And they finished their shelter! Aw, it’s so cute!

 

HOST RODERICH: It’s dilapidated and hideous. [pause] Just like you.

 

HOST GILBERT: Shut it, techie.

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Hmm. But what are they doing, dancing around over there in the sand with those long sticks? And where’s our Swiss rep?

 

HOST GILBERT: It’s an island ritual they made up, obviously. They’ve already sacrificed our Swiss rep to their gods. Oh, the humanity! We must be careful when approaching. 

 

HOST ELIZABETA: [in stunned awe] I didn’t think it would come to this. How delightful! I wonder if they’ll let us intrude on their little colony…

 

S. ITALIAN REP:  _ CHARGE _ ! ARGHHHHHH!

 

[angry yelling, confused shrieking]

 

HOST GILBERT: I guess not.

 

[sounds of scuffling]

 

HOST ELIZABETA: We should probably use this time to cut to the theme song, Roderich. 

 

HOST RODERICH: Why, of course. It’s my pleasure.

 

  
**...**

 

 

HOST GILBERT: [sighing] Now that  _ that _ ’s over with, we can finally get to today’s challenge.

 

SPANISH REP: [moaning] My head.

 

GERMAN REP: [moaning back]  _ My  _ head!

 

SWISS REP: You’ll never get me to do anything!

 

HOST ELIZABETA: [sing-song voice] If you don’t choose  _ DEATH  _ you must choose  _ GAY _ !

 

[a pre-recorded background chorus chants  _ GAY OR DEATH, GAY OR DEATH, GAY OR DEATH… _ ]

 

HOST GILBERT: So, contestants, I bet you’ve been wondering lately about how you’re going to survive on this heavenly mound of sand!

 

ENGLISH REP:  _ That  _ was a minor concern, yes.

 

HOST GILBERT: Today’s  _ DEATH _ challenge should help you in your meaningless struggles, then! The challenge is to cook a meal—enough to feed everyone on the island—out of what you find on the island.

 

ENGLISH REP: Hang on. I can  _ do  _ that.

 

FRENCH REP: [unwarranted wailing] No, please! The pain is too much! 

 

SWISS REP: [snarkily] If  _ he’s  _ cooking we might as well submit to our death already.

 

HOST GILBERT: Swiss rep picks  _ DEATH _ !

 

SWISS REP:  _ Aaugh _ !  _ No _ !  _ I did not say _ —

 

HOST ELIZABETA: It should be relatively easy. There’s lots of...vegetation. And things. You will also serve a portion of your meal to the contestants who choose  _ GAY _ ! That way we can all eat and be happy. Very, very happy.

 

SPANISH REP: Wow, that sounds fun! I’ll try! I wonder if one of us can catch and cook one of those wild bears?

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Ms. Hungary, I think I’ll choose  _ DEATH  _ this time, too. Preparing a meal doesn’t seem like much of a challenge at all!

 

HOST GILBERT: [quietly] Oh, he did  _ not  _ just go there.

 

GERMAN REP: [inaudible grumbling]

 

ENGLISH REP: [happy and excited] Well, I choose  _ DEATH  _ as well! I can cook a decent meal, I mean—

 

FRENCH REP: Hah! I am choosing  _ DEATH _ to prove Britain can  _ not  _ cook a decent meal.

 

ENGLISH REP: [not happy and excited] Well, screw you!

 

S. ITALIAN REP: W-Wait! I choose  _ DEATH _ ! I—

 

HOST GILBERT: [evil, cackling laughter] Oops! It seems like it’s too  _ late _ , South Italian rep!  _ Toooo late! _

 

S. ITALIAN REP: [high-pitched, non-verbal complaint]

 

HOST GILBERT: Oh, this should be  _ good _ !

 

GERMAN REP: Wait. No. No, no no.  _ Nein! _

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Yes!  _ Yes _ ! The fates have spoken! Your savage colony is divided, and the German representative and the South Italian representative are  _ GAYYYY _ !

 

S. ITALIAN REP: [sobbing]  _ No _ ! [repeated slaps; throwing self against sand]

 

GERMAN REP: This was not supposed to happen. I was supposed to have a happy ending, peacefully, in my sleep at a ripe old age, next to my precious dogs. [cold, betrayed voice] This was not supposed to happen.

 

N. ITALIAN REP: [giggling] Oh  _ no,  _ Germany. I pity you very much.

 

S. ITALIAN REP: [choking back tears] Hey! You little [beep]! Get over here right now, and I’ll [beep] the [beep] and [longer beep]  _ and don’t even look at me like that, you  _ [really long beep this time]!

 

HOST ELIZABETA: [quiet] You can, um, turn the camera off now, Roderich.

 

HOST RODERICH: [stunned silence]

 

GERMAN REP: [gazing into the distance at last remnants of freedom]

 

  
**...**

**COMMERCIAL BREAK**

**...**   
  


 

HOST GILBERT: Okay, representative trash. You have most of the day to search for your food. Make it good food, you bunch of wimps, or you’ll lose points. I  _ will _ give judgement, just like I always do all the time non-stop whether you like it or not.

 

ENGLISH REP: Suddenly we have  _ points _ ?

 

HOST GILBERT: Uhm, you’ve always had points. Duh. And you just now lost one by questioning my authority! 

 

FRENCH REP: [small gasp]

 

HOST GILBERT: I’ll follow a few of you around and try to guide your souls as best I can, but for the most part you’re alone. [quickly] Not that there’s anything bad about being alone. It’s good to be alone sometimes, having only yourself as company, your own thoughts, your conscience, forever…

 

N. ITALIAN REP: [loudly whispering] Prussia doesn’t seem very okay this morning.

 

SPANISH REP: [loudly whispering] No, he doesn’t. I just hope Romano is okay. He looked distressed. And he  _ sounded  _ distressed!

 

[bird call, wind]

 

N. ITALIAN REP: [nodding wisely] He is often very distressed.

 

HOST GILBERT: So get crackin’, losers! If I see any of you doing anything unawesome, you automatically lose all your points!

 

ENGLISH REP: And just what is “unawesome” supposed to mean?

 

HOST GILBERT: Do you not get it? [huffs angrily] I should have expected this. Well,  _ I _ understand, and that’s all that matters! 

 

SWISS REP: [glancing sideways straight into hidden tree camera] Save me. 

 

HOST GILBERT: [sing-song] No one can save you now!

 

  
**...**

 

 

FRENCH REP: And just like that, I was alone in the wild forest. The main party had grown  _ très  _ annoying, so I left to scavenge for foods. It is uncomfortable being out here all alone, but I am brave, and seek adventure at every turn! 

 

[soft buzzing noise, birdcall]

 

FRENCH REP: [scream]

 

[crash]

 

FRENCH REP:  _ Aughfeequerfer _ —I mean, er, what, what could that strange noise be? T-That is right, I need something to defend myself with in case of trouble. I will just, er… Hrm… 

 

[snapping]

 

FRENCH REP: There, this pointy branch should do. It is adorable, and look, even has gorgeous flower! I shall keep it, and it will keep me safe from all harm! [heavy breathing] This reminds me of a time when England had gotten himself lost in the wild jungles of  _ Afrique _ , and—

 

HOST GILBERT: [far away]  _ Francis, is that you? Stop narrating your quest! When I said it’s good to be alone, I didn’t mean  _ that _! _

 

FRENCH REP: [fabulously looking into tree camera, talking quietly] But he does not mean it, dear. He is so silly all the time. They all are. [stomping away] I must find food, I must find…  _ Ooh _ , look! [inane gigglings]  _ Berries _ ! 

 

  
**...**

 

 

SPANISH REP: There; done! Most beautiful fishhook I have ever made!

 

[soft splash]

 

SPANISH REP: And now, to wait. [sigh] Oh, Romano, I wish you were here. The sun is so nice on this side of the island. You would like it.

 

[soft waves]

 

SPANISH REP: And the open water is so beautiful. I love the sea. We will escape one day, live on the vast ocean, drifting wherever the current takes our ship! [pause] How tragically punny of me.

 

[wind whistling]

 

SPANISH REP:  _ ¡Ay! _ My head! Where’d that rock come from? How dare it hit me! 

 

[ _ loud _ wave]

 

SPANISH REP: [gasp] Oh, I’ve caught something! Already! Oh,  _ oh _ , it’s  _ heavy _ , it’s, it’s— _ ¡Dios mío!  _ [panting]

 

[splashing noises, grunts]

 

SPANISH REP:  _ Agh _ ! Come to papa, tiny fishy! You cannot escape from  _ me _ , you—

 

[splash]

 

SPANISH REP:  _ You _ —

 

[splash]

 

SPANISH REP: [sigh] I have captured a tire. 

 

[seagull]

 

SPANISH REP: Oh, hey, and over there is an old boot!  _ Estupendo _ ! What a turn of events! [quietly] Is it a metaphor foreshadowing what will happen next?

  
**...**

 

ENGLISH REP: [cackling to self] I’ve done it! I’ve found fresh water before anyone else! Oh, this is marvelous! 

 

[bubbling brook noises]

 

ENGLISH REP: I could use this to cook so many different things! Ah, but first, I’ll have to purify it. It was just like this when I was exploring Africa. Now, if only I had some iodine… 

 

[rummaging] 

 

ENGLISH REP: Boiling it will do. [snap] Now I just have to start a contained fire, and heat the water between these rocks. Should be a piece of cake!

 

[more rummaging] 

 

ENGLISH REP: [beep], my finger!

 

[snapping, crackling]

 

ENGLISH REP: [grunting] This is going to take forever.

 

  
**...**

**HOURS LATER**

**...**   
  


 

ENGLISH REP: [gasping, moaning] I’ve done it! A…a fire. [sigh] Good and steady. 

 

[crackling, birdcall in distance]

 

[loud crackling]

 

ENGLISH REP: …

 

[very loud crackling]

 

ENGLISH REP: Oh, bollocks. 

 

[very,  _ very _ loud crackling]

 

ENGLISH REP: [scream]

 

  
**...**

**COMMERCIAL BREAK**

**...**   
  


 

HOST ELIZABETA: Welcome back to  _ GAY OR DEATH: Western Europe _ ! I’m your host, Elizabeta, and I’m joining you today with two contestants: our German representative and our Southern Italian representative. They both chose  _ GAY _ , so they’ll be enjoying a nice long date today!

 

S. ITALIAN REP: Hey, I didn’t  _ choose  _ anything!

 

GERMAN REP: This was forced upon me unwillingly.

 

S. ITALIAN REP: Uh—hey! Shut up!

 

GERMAN REP: [confused] What?

 

HOST ELIZABETA: [giddy] So, how do you two feel about taking an hours-long tour of the island’s circumference with each other?

 

HOST RODERICH: [offended]  _ And _ me.

 

S. ITALIAN REP: Well, I feel  _ so funzies.  _ Just  _ all  _ the time! [voice crack]

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Great! And you, German rep?

 

GERMAN REP: [to self] If it only takes a few hours to circumnavigate the island on foot, the island can’t be that big at all. The only way to get to such an place would be to use a small boat or a helicopter, if the island is that close to more land. Hm… 

 

HOST RODERICH: Germany, you were asked a question.

 

GERMAN REP: Oh. I apologize, Ms. Hungary. You see, I never really expected to be  _ kidnapped _ and forced to go on a date with…with  _ this  _ Italian, so I feel like my responses are quite appropriate!

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Don’t worry, German rep! We will cheer you up, give you back some of that everlasting happiness of a childhood forgotten! Since the last date between the French and North Italian contestants didn’t go so well, a team of experts has assembled some icebreakers and activities in the hopes that this date will spark true love.

 

S. ITALIAN REP: Oh, let me just take a guess—that team of experts was you and stupid Prussia, thinking you know a thing about love, right?

 

HOST ELIZABETA: [sheepish] Mmmaybe. Do you think you know  _ more _ about love, Italian rep?

 

S. ITALIAN REP: Of  _ course _ ! I don’t have to be from  _ Italy _ to know that the  _ only  _ shitty person who has ever loved  _ this  _ potato bastard is—[stops] I mean, um. Er… I… It’s—it’s a horrible game and a horrible date, that is all I have to say.  _ Hmmpf _ .

 

HOST RODERICH: [quietly] Dear lord, what a truly abominable young ruffian.

 

HOST ELIZABETA: I hope you didn’t mean that, Mister. Maybe you should apologize to our poor, poor German representative.

 

S. ITALIAN REP: [hesitates, sniffs]

 

GERMAN REP: [curiously] But, what were you going to say?

 

S. ITALIAN REP: Nothing! Let’s do some of those horrible activities now, please!

 

HOST ELIZABETA:  _ Well _ , then. [huffs angrily] The first activity on the list will work out perfectly while we are touring this lovely part of the island’s beaches; you two are to find pretty seashells that you think match each other’s personalities! On your mark, get set, go!

 

GERMAN REP: Wait, but there  _ are  _ no seashells here. There are only small piles of trash and dead birds!

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Why, do not let it restrain your love!

 

[regretted shuffling, wind in the distance]

 

HOST ELIZABETA: [to camera] Goodness, audience. Getting these two to like each other will be tougher than I thought!

 

GERMAN REP: [shuffling] Here is the only thing I was able to find amongst the debris, South Italy.

 

S. ITALIAN REP: This is a  _ rock _ !

 

GERMAN REP: I thought it matched your eyes.

 

S. ITALIAN REP: Hey, don’t get all funny with me! I’m taking this damn pebble and throwing it far away! [grunt] I hope it hits Spain, wherever the bastard is.

 

GERMAN REP: [sigh] This will never work out. Why don’t they just take us home? I don’t understand how all you others are so easily amused. And so harsh all the time.

 

S. ITALIAN REP: [embarrassed] Okay, um, look, you coo-coo-clock. I found you a seashell too. I tried my best. I think it fits you.

 

GERMAN REP: [surprised] Oh,  _ wunderbar _ . A shard of a broken beer bottle. How…thoughtful.

 

S. ITALIAN REP: See if you can hear the ocean.

 

GERMAN REP: [pause] I can definitely hear  _ something _ .

 

HOST RODERICH: [to HOST ELIZABETA] It’s his own misery, Elizabeta. That’s what he hears.

 

HOST ELIZABETA: [sigh] Oh, I know.

 

  
**...**

**COMMERCIAL BREAK**

**...**   
  


 

SWISS REP: [panting] It’s been almost two days on this craphole island, and I am unable to stand it! I’m starving and sweating and I just  _ know  _ my boss is missing me! Ugh, I wonder if I can take apart this infernal hidden tree camera and reassemble it so I have a way to contact my government—

 

[low whimpering noise]

 

SWISS REP: [small yelp] What is  _ that _ ? I swear, if it’s another—

 

[moan]

 

SWISS REP: It’s a wild bear! Ah  _ hah _ , and injured, just sitting there on the ground! I should kill it now and eat it myself so I can—

 

[whimper]

 

SWISS REP: Er, so I can… Oh, no. Little bear, I don’t know how to help you! What’s hurting? Where’s your pack? 

 

[soft series of grunts]

 

SWISS REP: Over there? Is that what you are trying to say?

 

[moan]

 

SWISS REP: I see the nest now, yes. Um, I will—I will go find some help. 

 

[stomping, branches snapping]

 

SWISS REP: Oh, moldy cheese, it’s the  _ mutter  _ bear. Um, Ms. Bear? Your little wild cub over there is—

 

[growl]

 

SWISS REP: Yes, I understand, but—

 

[snort]

 

SWISS REP: Uh, no,  _ your  _ hair is ugly! Come on, I am doing you a favor. Even though you did try to destroy me, I will not allow any soldier to die alone.

 

[whine]

 

SWISS REP: Yes, it is just this way. I will show you. Come.

 

[stomping, branches snapping]

 

SWISS REP: There. Yes, I will leave you two be.

 

[snort]

 

SWISS REP: No, I’m not crying, I swear! Ugh! [camera goes dark for a few seconds]

 

[loud series of human screams echoes in distance]

 

[screen is visible again]

 

SWISS REP: Oh no.

 

**...**

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Yes, it is all done! To the best of my abilities!

 

HOST GILBERT: I do not even  _ want _ to know where you got the bowl. Just, just go find some seasonings or something to put on top, okay? The rest of the reps ain’t done with their food dishes yet. [mumbling to self]  _ What kinda bastard is able to make a full serving of pasta in the middle of the wilderness? _

 

N. ITALIAN REP: [excitedly] I am, Prussia! I am the bastard! Whatever you say, I guess. I wonder if there is any oregano around.

 

[forest noises, soft humming]

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Sad that he did not want it now. My food is first-class!  _ Hmmpf _ . Oh, I wonder if Germany will like it! He for sure knows that I always carry pasta-making supplies with me at all times even when I’m sleeping and bathing and…doing other activities!

 

[more humming, screams of terror in distance, soft wind]

 

N. ITALIAN REP: [sadly] But Germany is with  _ Romano _ . Oh, that is not going to go well at all. I am scared for them.

 

[birdcalls, silence]

 

N. ITALIAN REP: It feels like I have been walking for  _ forever _ . [sigh] And no oregano to be found anywhere. I guess I should—wow! What’s that?

 

[rustling]

 

N. ITALIAN REP: “ _ Secret Bunker of Internet Connection _ ?” Whooaaa. Secret. Hm. I wonder if…

 

[loud scream]

 

N. ITALIAN REP: [shriek] Oh no! Is there trouble? What is going on? I surr—

 

SPANISH REP:  _ Run! _ Run, Italy,  _ fire _ ! Big fire!

 

N. ITALIAN REP: _ Ahh _ ! Rome is not burning again, is it?

 

FRENCH REP: It is London this time! London is burning! [short spout of laughter, then recovery] Flee as if a mob was chasing you!

 

ENGLISH REP: [frazzled] I didn’t mean to! Everything was going well! I swea—WATCH OUT!

 

N. ITALIAN REP: [yelp]  _ My pasta! _

 

SPANISH REP: [hysterical flamenco wailing]

 

[crashing noises]

 

FRENCH REP:  _ Angleterre _ , you have doomed us all! We will never find help in time—Switzerland?

 

[distant mumblings]

 

ENGLISH REP:  _ Help _ !  _ Please _ !

 

SWISS REP: [shriek at sight]  _ Augh!  _ No way! Sorry, suckers!

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Hm, maybe we could all hide in the Secret Bunker—!

 

ENGLISH REP: We don’t have time for your crazy delusions, Italy! There’s only one way to solve this problem, and that’s—

 

[crash]

 

[screams]

 

[screen goes black]

 

  
**...**

**COMMERCIAL BREAK**

**...**   
  


 

HOST ELIZABETA: We return to  _ GAY OR DEATH: Western Europe,  _ everyone! I’m your host Elizabeta. In the time you were away, we made it to the Rock of Love. Our two contestants are listening to some beautiful music provided by host Roderich, and…well…I guess they’re just really impatient for dinner?

 

[Liszt’s  _ Hungarian Rhapsody No. 2 _ plays in background]

 

HOST ELIZABETA: [to camera] Honestly, I am a bit worried about the two.

 

S. ITALIAN REP: [holding back tears] It’s just that I always feel pressured by everyone around me all the time, like I’m expected to say or do something, you know, and I hate it! Either that or I’m ignored, and I hate that too! [angry sob] It’s just that my stupid brother has to be soo good at everything all the time!

 

GERMAN REP: And it’s always like I’m the  _ only _ mature one in Europe, but I look around and everyone else is having fun while I stress over something that won’t mean anything in two decades! [sigh] I have feelings and hobbies, too. I have wants, desires!

 

S. ITALIAN REP: H-Hey, I’m—[sniffle]— _ I’m _ mature!

 

GERMAN REP: [sniffle] You once stood Spain up at a football game because your shirt colors matched too closely and then hid in the German team’s locker rooms for three hours, stealing discarded stadium snacks, so he wouldn’t find you.

 

S. ITALIAN REP: [sob] Oh, right. [sniffle] Ah, but he deserved it.

 

GERMAN REP: No he didn’t. You should learn to be polite.

 

S. ITALIAN REP: Well, you should learn to be more…less of an asshole butthead!

 

GERMAN REP: [exasperated groan] Why do you hate me so much, anyway?

 

S. ITALIAN REP: [scoff] What kind of question is that?

 

HOST ELIZABETA: I’m getting  _ really  _ worried, now. We can’t have them questioning their ways of life on live TV. This is very bad.

 

GERMAN REP: Is it because of—

 

S. ITALIAN REP: [shriek] Don’t say it! If you say it I will hurt you with that shard of glass I found! I am ruthless!

 

GERMAN REP: Hey, that’s  _ my  _ shard of glass! It was a gift! From you!

 

S. ITALIAN REP:  _ Ew!  _ I would never!

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Maybe I should intervene. What do you say, Roderich?

 

[HOST RODERICH is not listening.]

 

GERMAN REP: And besides, I do not think you can change how things are with all of us trapped here together on the island, can you!

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Oh, dear. Um, boys? It is…time for dinner!

 

S. ITALIAN REP: Oh, [beep]. Erm, oh, is that true, Ms. Hungary? [sniffle]

 

GERMAN REP: Yes, please, Ms. Hungary. 

 

HOST ELIZABETA: [nervous giggle] Call me Elizabeta, please. Um, the food will be out shortly, I just have to go get it! Is it alright if I leave you two here for a second?

 

GERMAN REP: No.

 

S. ITALIAN REP: It is not alright!

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Well…life’s unfair! I need help from my other host, wherever the stinking bum is!

 

  
**...**

**COMMERCIAL BREAK**

**...**   
  


 

HOST GILBERT: So  _ you’re telling me _ that you band of stinking bums have spent the last fifteen minutes sacrificing  _ everything  _ you’ve made so far to a demon circle, so Britain could use his magicks to put out a massive wildfire he created by boiling  _ water _ that had already destroyed  _ half the forest _ ?

 

[silence, strained birdcall in distance]

 

HOST GILBERT: Oh, I mean, welcome back to  _ GAY OR DEATH _ ! I’m your host, Gilbert…and this bunch of lunatics almost killed us all! Just another day on the Isle of Homosexuals, of course.

 

ENGLISH REP: Well, it  _ was _ only half the forest. I was able to keep our occupied side of the island untouched, and no one was hurt…

 

N. ITALIAN REP: [quiet sob] My  _ pasta _ was hurt.

 

FRENCH REP: Oh, you should have seen him in the circle, Gilbert. He was so terrifying, yet so  _ brave _ … Mmmm. 

 

SWISS REP: Didn’t his fire singe the bottom of your hair off?

 

FRENCH REP: Ah, it is no matter. My hair recovers quickly. My hair is holy, everlasting. 

 

SWISS REP: [cautiously] I see.

 

SPANISH REP: Well, it is a good thing you did not destroy the trash fort, Britain! We still need—

 

ENGLISH REP: Um, about that… 

 

HOST GILBERT: Don’t tell me the trash fort is gone, too! That thing was a work of art!

 

N. ITALIAN REP: It wasn’t really.

 

ENGLISH REP: Well, you see, the fire didn’t get to the trash fort. I checked to be sure. For some reason, it couldn’t cross the line in the sand that Switzerland drew. Don’t have a clue why, but everything then on is scorched earth. The trash fort is still—peculiarly—missing, however. I think it washed out to sea, personally.

 

SPANISH REP: But the tides are down. [laugh] That would make no sense, no?

 

ENGLISH REP: [pause]  _ No _ . It wouldn’t make any sense at all,  _ Spain _ .

 

FRENCH REP: But…Britain said he was the only one to see the fortification was gone. Oh, how will we sleep?

 

ENGLISH REP: [quickly] Take my word for it! We’ll all have to sleep in the sand, I guess. But we still haven’t been fed in twenty-four hours, and I’m personally wondering more about  _ that _ problem. Look at Italy, he’s practically dead of starvation!

 

N. ITALIAN REP: [halfhearted moan]

 

HOST GILBERT: [huff] Pretty please, call each other by your correct names. And we wouldn’t have this problem if you wouldn’t have burned your water! And the rest of you, giving up your food so easily, what a crap shame on you! Now we hafta tell Elizabeta that her date isn’t getting any food. [shiver]  _ Mein Gott _ , she will kill us all and eat us herself.

 

FRENCH REP: Wait. I did find something. A large bush of berries is inside the forest a little bit. It may have been burned a little bit, but we can still eat it!

 

SWISS REP: Are you crazy? Wait, I forgot; yes, you are. We can’t eat wild berries before we know they are safe!

 

N. ITALIAN REP: If only I had my  _ pasta _ .

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Gilbert! Gilbert! [panting] Oh, I have run a long distance. I was wondering if you had any food ready yet? Our Italian and German representatives are not having a very good time, and I’m scared they’re going to ruin the show! There is no love between them, not even a mutual respect. They have given me nothing my top-notch abilities can work with!

 

HOST GILBERT: Man, this blows. Sorry, Liz, but our English representative destroyed nearly half of the island with a giant fire. Also, their shelter is gone and everyone wasted their food. Morale is low. 

 

HOST ELIZABETA: [defeated] Oh, [beep]. Just...just come with me, then. Maybe we can salvage the date before it completely blows over. [whispering] They had been talking about their  _ feelings _ . Their  _ feelings _ , Gilbert.

 

HOST GILBERT: [gasp, choking sounds]  _ Disgusting _ . Only  _ losers _ have feelings. [recovery] Contestants, follow me! 

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Follow  _ me _ . 

  
  


HOST ELIZABETA: There they are. Right there, see?

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Where?

 

HOST ELIZABETA: See the giant shiny piano in the middle of otherwise uninterrupted natural coastline? Right near that.

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Oh, there!

 

HOST GILBERT: Alright, here’s the plan. One of us incapacitates the estranged piano player—I vote Elizabeta—and the rest pull the German and South Italian representatives apart, got it?

 

SPANISH REP: I will save Romano, as the prophecy foretold!

 

ENGLISH REP: Hang on, let me at least move to the front so I can at least  _ see _ —

 

S. ITALIAN REP: Hey! Who’s hiding in the bushes? Show yourself! [squeak] I am armed!

 

GERMAN REP: Brother, is that you? Come forward, quick! You are missing out on this great food! 

 

SWISS REP: [whisper of disbelief]  _ What _ ?

 

GERMAN REP: When I heard that the  _ DEATH  _ contestants were to cook for the others, I didn’t expect much, to be honest. But I’m really impressed. This bread is especially good. Though I must inquire—how did you rig up the parachutes?

 

[explosion from underbrush]

 

HOST GILBERT: What the  _ cabbage _ ? How in hell did you get  _ food _ ?

 

FRENCH REP:  _ Food _ ?

 

N. ITALIAN REP: [delighted sob] Food!

 

S. ITALIAN REP: It came from the sky, like…the sun’s rays. On parachutes, like that movie. Mm. And…it is not bad, I guess.

 

GERMAN REP: Yes, and there is enough to feed all of us for multiple days, if we ration it! Everyone, come eat! It is very good.

 

[Liszt’s  _ Liebestraum  _ ends]

 

HOST RODERICH: Why,  _ thank you _ . I’m  _ starving _ . You exhaust me, you know that.

 

HOST GILBERT: Ugh, we knoooow, Roderich. But wait just one minute! Did you see an airplane, or a helicopter, or anything? How did the food get here? And—damn, is that potato stew with sausage?

 

S. ITALIAN REP: It was a gift from God Himself.

 

ENGLISH REP: Well, I’m digging in! 

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Peculiar. I suppose we will just have to find out if the food has been tampered with later, won’t we? Everyone, seat yourself around the Rock of Love!

 

FRENCH REP: [overjoyed sigh] There are even fries!

 

SPANISH REP: I see seafood! Familiar seafood.

 

N. ITALIAN REP: How was your date, Germany and big brother?

 

S. ITALIAN REP: Uh—shut up!

 

GERMAN REP: [huff] It went exactly how anyone would expect it to go, Italy.

 

S. ITALIAN REP: Shut  _ up _ !

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Ah. [to self] I thought so.

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Yes, tomorrow we will have to pick a better pairing. True love will be found on this island, I know it!

 

SWISS REP: [mumbling to self] Hey, what is this leaflet of paper that has invaded my schnitzel? [gasp, voice gets quieter]  _ A secret, urgent message from _ —

 

HOST GILBERT: Be quiet, Swiss rep! We’re trying to do closing ceremonies, here! 

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Yes, that is it for tonight, world! I’m your host, Elizabeta—

 

HOST GILBERT: And I’m your main host, Gilbert, and this has been  _ GAY OR DEATH: Western Europe _ !

 

HOST RODERICH: Yay. Goodbye.

 

  
**...**

**SOME TIME LATER IN THE SECRET BUNKER OF INTERNET CONNECTION**

**...**   
  


 

HOST GILBERT: Ugh, Austria, I can’t believe you ended the episode like that. “Yay! Goodbye!” 

 

HOST RODERICH: [scoff] I thought it was quite distinguished.

 

HOST ELIZABETA: I think both of you are silly. Now come, look at the computer machine. We have more reviews!

 

HOST GILBERT: Aw, yes!

 

HOST RODERICH: Oh, no.

 

HOST ELIZABETA: [giggle]

 

  
**...**

 

 

2/10 stars ::  **可恥!** :: Anonymous Guest :: 02:59 AM CST

 

This is horrible! Bad! Please stop! Shut down filming right instant now! First of all plagiarism on name second of all I was bored entire time! You are all very gay and it is very annoying! China bans you! No more! My eyes hurt! My eyes hurt very bad! Tell America that he can [ **This section of the user’s post has been censored by your friendly network administrator to avoid profanity and online blasphemy for your convenience!** ] No more internet for anyone! Keep away from me! Forever!

  
  


**...**

 

 

3/10 stars ::  **KOLKOLKOLKOLKOLKOLKOLKOError235please_enter_shorter_review** :: Anonymous Guest :: 22:23 PM MSK

 

this was impressive to watch sadly my country banned show two seconds after you released so i had to go all way to lithuania. you put a lot of work into the show good job :) :) :) I like part where everyone got eaten by bears. other than bears i was mad because no actual death or actual gay just fake and mess? fire made me laugh though. be real and please do better next time. I will watch more. estonia liked it very much. :) very stupid.


	3. EPISODE THREE - DAY THREE

**...**

**EPISODE THREE - DAY THREE**

**...**   
  


 

HOST GILBERT: Welcome one, welcome all—except for those countries who freaking blocked us, what the hell?—to  _ GAY OR DEATH: Western Europe!  _ I am your  _ DEATH  _ host, Gilbert! And this is—

 

HOST ELIZABETA: I’m your  _ GAY  _ host, Elizabeta! Not necessarily meaning I am gay myself, but you don’t know anything! Welcome to the show!

 

HOST GILBERT: And behind the camera here is our rusty old music box—

 

HOST RODERICH: I can introduce myself  _ myself _ , thank you. I am Roderich. Hello, world. I am not rusty.

 

[camera wobbles]

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Show the world your face, Roderich! 

 

HOST RODERICH: No.

 

HOST GILBERT: Why?

 

HOST RODERICH: So I can deny I was ever here.

 

HOST GILBERT: [frustratedly to self]  _ But that makes no sense, you already— _

 

HOST ELIZABETA: So yesterday on  _ GAY OR DEATH _ , the contestants burned down half the forest and the date was a trainwreck! Luckily, food arrived from the sky to save us all! We are still not sure who or what the food was from, but we ate it anyway, and now we know we will not starve!

 

HOST GILBERT: Stupid crazy fans, taking the fun out of everything.

 

HOST RODERICH: [small gasp] Be kind to the fans, Gilbert! I mean, they’re all bottom-feeders I know I would never associate with, but—

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Another downside yesterday was when we discovered that the trash fort shelter the contestants had been living in washed out to sea! Or so we think. 

 

HOST GILBERT: It was  _ great _ for  _ me _ , because I was all out of painful torture ideas I could force the suckers into. 

 

HOST ELIZABETA: It was also great for me, because that meant the contestants had to cuddle together for warmth! Well, besides the Swiss rep, who insisted on sleeping on his side of the line he drew yesterday. Let’s wake them up now, shall we, Gilbert?

 

HOST GILBERT: Of course! I’ll do it myself.  _ Ahem _ . [clears throat]  _ THE APOCALYPSE IS UPON US! HELP! HELP! BLOOD IS RAINING FROM THE SKY, THE EARTH QUIVERS BENEATH MY FEET, I SEE—OH, WHAT  _ IS _ THAT? MY HEAVENS, GOD HIMSELF IS DESCENDING! THE MADNESS, THE UTTER DESTRUCTION! _

 

N. ITALIAN REP: [confused screaming]

 

GERMAN REP: [conflicted screaming]

 

S. ITALIAN REP: [angry screaming]

 

FRENCH REP: [harmonious screaming]

 

SPANISH REP: [screaming because everyone else is]

 

SWISS REP: An apocalypse, huh? Well, it’s about time. 

 

HOST RODERICH: [screaming]

 

ENGLISH REP: [groggy] W-What’s going on! Why the yelling?! Is—is everyone okay?  _ Ah! _

 

FRENCH REP: There you are,  _ Angleterre _ ! The world is ending again, and I have  _ missed _ you!  _ Hold _ me while we  _ die _ ! And hold me tighter than you did last night, you beautiful bastard! [gasp, sigh]

 

ENGLISH REP:  _ What?! _

 

FRENCH REP: What.

 

ENGLISH REP: Crikey, the world’s not  _ ending _ , Prussia! That was offensive! The worst way to wake a bunch of  _ us _ up, really. 

 

GERMAN REP: Yes, never do that again! Look, you’ve made Italy cry!

 

N. ITALIAN REP: [cry]

 

HOST GILBERT: We have a full day of various activities ahead of us, each one greater than the last! You all should have been prepared.

 

S. ITALIAN REP: Easy for you to say! You’re not a real—

 

HOST GILBERT: Hah, say it to my face!

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Ooh, hang on there, you two eager beavers! I’d like to know first about this sleeping situation, so I can record it down for later like I’ve done for the past few nights. Our North Italian and German representatives everyone  _ highly _ expected, but what about our representatives from Britain and France, hm? 

 

GERMAN REP: She’s done  _ what  _ for the past few nights?!

 

FRENCH REP: Ah! I can explain, yes! 

 

ENGLISH REP: Dear God.

 

FRENCH REP: It was cold and quiet last night, and I was feeling tired and disgusted at the world. [sob] Sand and leaves do not work as blankets! All of a sudden, I hear a strange rustling noise in the forest! I jumped up to investigate, because I am brave, erm, but the noise was coming from past the line of  _ le Suisse _ , so I just decided to, erm, tell Britain about it, yes. He was asleep, though, and I did not want to wake him, but when I woke up this morning, he was gone!

 

SPANISH REP: [gasp]

 

SWISS REP: [flustered] Y-You liar! There was no noise, and if there was, I—I definitely would have caught and reprimanded whoever made it!

 

FRENCH REP: I swear it is true! Tell them, Britain!

 

HOST GILBERT: [muffled laughter]

 

ENGLISH REP: I-I didn’t hear anything! I left because of your unwarranted sexual advances, to take a bath!

 

HOST ELIZABETA: [giggling] At nighttime, dear?

 

ENGLISH REP: Yes! It’s the only time where I would get any peace and privacy. You’ve provided us with no private showers nor soap! How do you expect us to keep clean and healthy? What if we contract a disease? Prussia, you should care about these things!

 

GERMAN REP: Says the one who  _ burnt _ down the forest.

 

HOST GILBERT: Alright, alright, tone it down, everyone. We are running behind schedule! And you are very correct, German rep, for we shall deal with the wilderness again today!

 

[a pre-recorded background chorus chants  _ GAY OR DEATH, GAY OR DEATH, GAY OR DEATH… _ ]

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Oh no.

 

HOST GILBERT: Today’s  _ DEATH  _ challenge! You will build a  _ new _ shelter for yourselves using the destroyed remains of the jungle! We have no tools, so I’ll have to teach you all some more of my wilderness survival tricks and tips!

 

SWISS REP: [huff] So we are  _ finally _ respecting wildlife, I see.

 

HOST RODERICH: We all know you eloped with the bears, you disgrace.

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Correct, and for the  _ GAY  _ challenge, we do have food this time, leftovers from last night’s delivery. I repeat, we  _ do  _ have—

 

ENGLISH REP: [hysterical] Yes, stop right there! I have something to propose. 

 

HOST ELIZABETA: [gasp] English rep, are you choosing  _ GAY _ ?

 

ENGLISH REP: Er, yes. But I also need someone to come with me on the…outing. I’m  _ picking _ someone, like the rules of your stupid game entail.

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Yes! Who do you choose to be marvelously  _ GAY  _ with you?

 

ENGLISH REP: Um, well, I just need—[angry breath] I choose Spain!

 

SPANISH REP: [gasp]  _ Me?  _ Spain? Wow!

 

S. ITALIAN REP: [scoff]  _ Him?  _ Spain? What bad taste.

 

HOST GILBERT: Hah, who’s  _ Spain _ , English rep? That’s so silly, you can’t just ask out an entire  _ country  _ full of—

 

ENGLISH REP: Spanish  _ representative _ , whatever! I just need to set a few  _ particular  _ things straight with him.

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Mm, but you won’t find anything here to be  _ straight _ , sir! I am very glad this happened! The two of you, come, now!

 

SPANISH REP: Yes, ma’am! I look forward to our date, England!

 

ENGLISH REP: [shriek]

 

HOST GILBERT: And that means everyone else has to do the  _ DEATH _ with me! Awesome!

 

SWISS REP: Not awesome! I’m not building someone else’s shelter! 

 

HOST GILBERT: Shut up, building things is great. Roderich, cut to the theme!

 

HOST RODERICH: Don’t tell me what to do. [cuts to theme]

 

  
**...**

 

 

HOST GILBERT: Okay, so here’s how this is gonna go. We can be nice and organized and do this like a team, or we can—or we can—French representative, what the  _ Hohenfriedberger _ are you doing with that stick?

 

GERMAN REP: [quietly]  _ Stick? _

 

FRENCH REP: I am building, you see? [gleeful laughter] We will make this magnificent!

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Oh, I know! I can paint and decorate the shelter to make it more beautiful! France, where did you say those berries were again?

 

HOST GILBERT: No, no, don’t run off! We have to build it first!

 

S. ITALIAN REP: I’m going back to my trash pile. Maybe I will find peace there. Oops, I mean,  _ pieces _ to use for the shelter. No, I actually meant peace, because this is humiliating and I hate all of you.

 

HOST GILBERT: Okay, no. Look, we’re going to be sensible about this. Everyone follow me into the forest. I saw lots of good hollowed-out trees we can use. 

 

SWISS REP: And how do you suppose we transport them and chop them down?

 

HOST GILBERT: With our bare arms! Emphasis on  _ bear _ , Swiss rep, eh?

 

SWISS REP: I’m leaving.

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Oh, look! There’s a pile of overturned trees on the ground already, and they’re all already hollowed out because of the fire!

 

HOST GILBERT: Great! German rep, could you haul those out? Swiss rep, go find some leaves or something we could use to tie stuff with. South Italian rep, stop moping around because your boyfriend’s gone and make yourself useful! French rep…I still have no idea what you’re doing, but it seems to be working… 

 

FRENCH REP: [more gleeful laughter]

 

N. ITALIAN REP: And me on the decorations, got it!  _ Berries _ ,  _ here, berries, I’m coming for youuu! _

 

HOST GILBERT: _Mein Gott_.

 

  
**...**

**COMMERCIAL BREAK**

**...**   
  


 

HOST ELIZABETA: Welcome back! This is  _ GAY OR DEATH: Western Europe,  _ and I am Elizabeta. I’m here today with—

 

ENGLISH REP: Pardon me, Ms. Hungary? I was wondering if we could turn off the camera for this part. You see… 

 

HOST RODERICH: Ugh! I am offended!

 

ENGLISH REP: Ugh, well, you’re always offended!

 

HOST RODERICH: And I wonder what  _ that _ means, hm?

 

SPANISH REP: Man, this is more exciting than I thought it would be! Britain, do you want to hold my arm or something? Of course, you are not the one I love, but for the time being—

 

ENGLISH REP: No, no, please! [growl] You smell like…fish, and…sunshine.

 

SPANISH REP: [breath] Thank you! You smell like watered-down tea and  _ eau de toilette _ ! 

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Hmm. Well. We are almost to The Rock of Love, where you will get to indulge on delicious off-brand German-tasting leftover food, and you can have all the privacy there that you’d like! Except for Roderich. He plays the piano. 

 

ENGLISH REP: Of  _ course  _ there’s a piano on the beach. Why, that makes  _ perfect  _ sense!

 

HOST RODERICH: I know, right? I am glad  _ someone  _ around here has any sense at all!

 

ENGLISH REP: [loud groan] Here comes the migraine.

 

[birdcall, waves]

 

SPANISH REP: Oh, would you like me to rub your head for you?

 

ENGLISH REP: No! Er, Ms. Hungary, is that the…the rock?

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Indeed it is! Take your seats, boys! Roderich and I and the rest of the world will just be over here, watching!

 

ENGLISH REP: Great. Then let’s begin.

 

[Debussy’s  _ Clair de Lune: 10 Hour Version!  _ softly occupies the background din.]

 

SPANISH REP: Um, begin what? Eating?  _ Turtle spying _ ? That’s my favorite thing to do on dates! We are on a beach and all, so I’ve been wondering—

 

ENGLISH REP: Shut up and listen to me, you deranged Spaniard! Look, I  _ know _ what you’re doing. The island isn’t  _ that  _ big. It’s dreadfully obvious. Give it up!

 

SPANISH REP: …What do you mean?

 

ENGLISH REP: There’s no use denying it! I’ve been around, I’ve seen things! And  _ you  _ have a long history of sneaky, fishy business! I know you’re up to no good!

 

SPANISH REP: Oh, do you mean the Catholic Church’s involvement in my Inquisition? Don’t worry, I  _ am _ after a Catholic, but not you! I did not think you were Catholic… But don’t let that ruin the date, heh! I hold passion for everyone and everything!

 

ENGLISH REP: [to self]  _ What in Christopher Robin’s britches?   _ [to SPANISH REP] I—I won’t fall for manipulation! Explain yourself!

 

SPANISH REP: Um, well, I was hoping someone  _ else _ here on the island would pick me for a date, really. You see, it’s kind of weird in a lot of ways, and especially because of Gil and his crazy ideas, but—

 

ENGLISH REP: No, that’s not what I’m referring to!

 

SPANISH REP: You’re right, I should keep the conversation about  _ us _ so I do not ruin the mood. So, Britain, if you  _ wanted  _ to get “up to” anything in particular… Like I said, I’m passionate about many things! [flirty chuckle]

 

ENGLISH REP: Oh, [beep].

 

SPANISH REP: [gasp] You really  _ want _ to? Right _ now _ ?

 

ENGLISH REP: No, Spain! Sit your arse down; you make me sad.

 

SPANISH REP: I didn’t think  _ that _ part of my body would make anyone  _ sad _ , but okay! 

 

HOST ELIZABETA: [badly-concealed laughter]

 

ENGLISH REP: Look, I promise I won’t tell anyone else if you fess up. Just stop stealing from the rest of us, okay? 

 

SPANISH REP: I am really sorry, but I still have no idea what you mean. You must be very delusional, like Francis always tells me. 

 

ENGLISH REP: What? What does he say about me? The gossiping wanker!

 

SPANISH REP: Hm. It is usually he complains about your language and complains about the haunting fever-dreams about you that plague him. He has also said you have beautiful but badly-neglected hair. Is this true?

 

HOST ELIZABETA: [giggle-snorting]

 

ENGLISH REP: Well, I say! The poor jealous bastard. I do quite like my hair.

 

SPANISH REP: Can I feel? You did just bathe, no?

 

ENGLISH REP: Um, yes, that is true… But no! I don’t want your thieving hands in my precious locks! And stop changing the subject! 

 

SPANISH REP: My hands are nice hands, señor! I can do many things with them. 

 

ENGLISH REP: I don’t need a demonstration—[shriek] Let go of me!

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Oh my goodness, audience!

 

SPANISH REP: But holding hands is romantic on dates! 

 

ENGLISH REP: That was not hand-holding, t-that was an assassination attempt! I see past your lies, f-fool!

 

SPANISH REP: I’m sorry. I only wanted to show you I am willing to make this work, despite our differences!

 

HOST ELIZABETA: That’s it—[laughter]—I am turning this camera off before I lose it! 

 

[more laughter, screen goes black]

 

  
**...**

**COMMERCIAL BREAK**

**...**   
  


 

HOST GILBERT: And we’re back!  _ GAY OR DEATH _ , peeps,  _ GAY OR DEATH: Western Europe _ ! While you were gone, our expert logging team managed to drag out a few measly supports. We’re going to use those for the walls of the shelter we’re currently building. So tell me, how’s it goin’, German rep?

 

GERMAN REP: I am severely dehydrated and I think I’ve thrown out my back.

 

HOST GILBERT: Nonsense! You’re too young for back problems! I can still see the youth shining through you!

 

GERMAN REP: You do not understand. I actually am paralyzed from the neck down. That is why I am laying motionless on the hot sand at your feet. It happened when you dropped the tree on top of me because you thought you saw a cute bird.

 

HOST GILBERT: Oh, German rep! Don’t get your lederhosen into a twist! I’m gonna go check on—

 

GERMAN REP: I haven’t washed my lederhosen in three days, brother.

 

HOST GILBERT: [cough]  _ Gross _ ! No one needed to hear that!  _ Blergh _ ! Moving on! Swiss rep, what’s up over here? You are doing a surprisingly good job braiding those palm leaves into rope! Just like I taught you, hah! You girl.

 

SWISS REP: How dare you! I excel at braiding because I help my sister with her hair all the time, like a good big brother should! You taught me nothing but hatred and bad entertainment!

 

HOST GILBERT: Whatever, hater! Why’d you finally decide to pitch in and help, anyway?

 

SWISS REP: Not everything is about or for you, Prussia! [sobbing to self]  _ I will see you again, Liechtenstein. _

 

HOST GILBERT: Okay, well, he’s off his granny rocker. What about you, French rep? What—what the hell  _ is  _ that?

 

FRENCH REP: What is  _ this _ ? Hah! Only the finest architecture in the world, mon ami! To rival  _ la tour Eiffel  _ itself, though nothing will ever be greater! You like?

 

HOST GILBERT: Er, sure. I can’t really tell what it  _ is _ , but as long as it works with our shelter… Um, yeah. Keep doing what you’re doing, I guess. [shudder] Now, where are the others? Hm, I hope that South Italian didn’t surrender to his trash pile again…

 

N. ITALIAN REP: [explosion from bushes] Look, Germany, I found the berries! Now I can paint the walls of our home.

 

GERMAN REP: [moan]

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Oh, are you okay? You look like you are about to throw up and spill your guts everywhere!

 

GERMAN REP: I’m fine, Italy. Just tired. Very. Tired. The hollow tree is right there.

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Yay! [humming to self] This is a very dirty, sick-looking tree. I will make it beautiful!

 

HOST GILBERT: [quietly, to camera]  _ The metaphor is that the German rep is also sick and dirty, and the North Italian will make him beautiful, too. _

 

GERMAN REP: [sigh]

 

S. ITALIAN REP: Hey, craparoni.

 

N. ITALIAN REP:  _ Sí _ , big brother?

 

S. ITALIAN REP: Know of anywhere far, far away from everyone else where I could get some peace and take a bath? I hate to admit it, but Britain was right. I am smelly as [beep].

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Um, I’m sorry. Maybe later at night if you are worried? I personally would just go right there—see, next to the dead seagull?—right now.

 

S. ITALIAN REP: [groan] Of course you would. Never mind!

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Are you okay? Worried about Spain, yes?

 

S. ITALIAN REP: No! Shut up!

 

GERMAN REP: I bet you are.

 

S. ITALIAN REP: I am not! Whatever! I’m leaving; I can’t stand to stand next to you two for another minute! Thanks for nothing, Feliccine! Ugh!

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Haha, you’re welcome! [to GERMAN REP] Sometimes he calls me that. We like to make nicknames for each other.

 

GERMAN REP: [sigh] Adorable. 

 

FRENCH REP: Ah, come work with  _ me _ now, Romano! We can have lots of fun!

 

S. ITALIAN REP: [primitive squeal of displeasure]

 

FRENCH REP: You are worried about hygiene? Tie your hair up with these pins like  _ moi _ !

 

S. ITALIAN REP: Where’d you even get those?

 

FRENCH REP: No idea. I always find them in my hair, so I just pull them out! Like I say, my hair is amazing!

 

HOST GILBERT: And so our grueling project continues. 

 

  
**...**

**COMMERCIAL BREAK**

**...**   
  


 

HOST ELIZABETA: It’s back to  _ GAY OR DEATH _ ! I’m Elizabeta, this is Roderich, and we’ve had the English and Spanish representatives here for a few hours. Their date so far has been…interesting.

 

ENGLISH REP: What I wouldn’t give for a good bottle of ale right now.

 

SPANISH REP: …And then I looked for hours for him around the stadium, but it was like he had just disappeared! Into thin air, like  _ poof _ ! It was heartbreaking, I tell you. I called his phone, but he must have lost it or something, because I got the voicemail where he screams  _ STOP CALLING ME, BASTARDO!  _ every time. So after three hours of looking, I just drove back home.

 

ENGLISH REP: I think I would give at least a leg. Yes, I could just fashion up a peg.

 

SPANISH REP: Sometimes I wonder if I’m doing something wrong. I mean, sometimes it’s just like…like… Well, it is like this one time where I went to Belgium’s house for a visit, except I couldn’t remember where her house was, so I drove around for a while and ended up in Portugal. No idea how. But it is like I am always chasing something  _ just  _ out of reach. I wish Belgium and Portugal were here now.

 

ENGLISH REP: Or I could give an eye, and wear a patch. Oh, yes. An eye for an ale. 

 

SPANISH REP: I do wonder what happened to them, anyway. Why is it just us on this island? And where is this island? Why are all the fish dead? No turtles? Ah, the sun is so hot. Britain, if you don’t mind, I might just take a short siesta. Is that okay? I skipped my naps yesterday and the day before, so I am long overdue. Goodnight!

 

ENGLISH REP: I could always cut off a hand and replace it with—Oh, he’s asleep. Well! How rude! On a date!

 

[waves, wind]

 

ENGLISH REP: Well, I never! Pardon me, Ms. Hungary, but Spain has fallen asleep!

 

[a muffled  _ Rude!  _ from piano]

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Hm, this can’t be good. We should keep him awake so you two could further enjoy your time together, but we could  _ also _ let him rest for a while if you made sure to fuss over him and tell the audience how good he looks in his sleep.

 

ENGLISH REP: That sounds terrible.

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Well, you could sleep  _ with  _ him.

 

ENGLISH REP: Even more terrible. No, I’ll just wake him up by throwing him into the ocean. Or I could forget him and stage a coup by attacking you two myself… 

 

HOST ELIZABETA: [laughter] Oh,  _ really _ . Think  _ that  _ will work out for you?

 

ENGLISH REP: I didn’t mean it, ma’am! I swear! 

 

[a muffled  _ Too much Swiss influence!  _ from the piano]

 

ENGLISH REP: I’ll just…oh, I don’t know what to do! I’ll wake up Spain.

 

[shuffling]

 

[birdcall]

 

[loud splash]

 

SPANISH REP: [garbled scream]

 

[more splashes]

 

ENGLISH REP:  _ Tell me everything you know! _

 

SPANISH REP:  _ ¡Tu diablo! You will never get me to talk! I take my secrets to the grave! _

 

ENGLISH REP:  _ Surrender, you filth!  _

 

SPANISH REP:  _ I _ —oh, I apologize, Britain. I was not fully awake. Why—why am I wet all over?

 

[waves]

 

ENGLISH REP: [long sigh] Hurricane. Whatever. Let’s just end this date now and eat dinner with the others, alright? We’re clearly getting nowhere, and I hate every second of it.

 

SPANISH REP: Oh. I am sorry you feel that way. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.

 

ENGLISH REP: [scoff] I’m sure. This isn’t the last of the interrogation, though! Don’t think I won’t still be watching your every move!

 

HOST ELIZABETA: [frustrated huff] Another date, gone! Just like that! Can you believe it, Roderich? What is it that makes them reject love so quickly? Am I doing something wrong? 

 

[ _ Clair de Lune: 10 Hour Version!  _ ends prematurely.]

 

HOST RODERICH: You are doing nothing wrong, Elizabeta. I just think everyone else here is a raging lunatic. Think about it. This is basically an insane asylum, and we unfortunates are the caretakers.

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Maybe tomorrow will yield a better combination of contestants. At least now most everyone in the available pool has experienced a date. I mean, there can’t possibly be another factor we are missing.

 

HOST RODERICH: [silence, exhausted breathing] 

 

HOST ELIZABETA: I know, our Swiss rep will have  _ so  _ much fun. Hey, you two! Come back here! You’re forgetting supper! 

 

  
**...**

**COMMERCIAL BREAK**

**...**   
  


 

HOST GILBERT: Welcome back to  _ GAY OR DEATH: Western Europe _ . I’m Gilbert, as all of you should know by now and if you don’t you’re stupid and have no taste, and we’re almost finished with the shelter we were working on! It’ll never live up to the awesomeness of the trash fort, of course, but it will make do for the time we have together on this beautiful island. 

 

GERMAN REP: No, we’re not almost  _ done  _ with it! The only thing “awesome” about it is Italy’s painting! It is a mess of twigs and peeling bark and smells like death! 

 

HOST GILBERT: [good-natured laughing] Well, this  _ is DEATH _ , silly German rep. So far you’ve learned very little.

 

GERMAN REP: Well at least I can  _ move  _ my  _ body _ again!

 

FRENCH REP: Here, let me spice up our  _ chateau  _ a bit with my architectural masterpiece! If I place it just like so—[shuffling, grunt, squeak, birdcall in distance]— _ viola _ ! [gasp] It is gorgeous!

 

S. ITALIAN REP: It…wow. Yes, it is  _ really  _ something. [cough]

 

HOST GILBERT: How…what is…how did you even… _ do  _ that…Francis, I am forever in awe over your construction skills. 

 

FRENCH REP: [blows a kiss]

 

HOST GILBERT: Alrighty, then. We should tie everything together, now. Swiss rep, those ropes are ready? Good. Hey, North Italian rep, no sleeping on the job! Get up and help us!

 

GERMAN REP: Oh no, he passed out a while ago after finishing the decor. I suspect the berries had something to do with it. I tried to wake him up, but no avail.

 

HOST GILBERT: Argh, stupid! Everyone knows to never eat strange berries found in the wild on a polluted mound of earth called the  _ Isle of Homosexuals _ ! Oh, well. Someone else help. Hey, English and Spanish reps, give us a hand!

 

ENGLISH REP: What’s going on? 

 

SPANISH REP: Ah, hello everybody! I see the new fort looks good! But wait, what the tomato is  _ tha— _

 

ENGLISH REP: [aside] Wait, that kind of design could only be French. Best not to ask.

 

SPANISH REP: [aside] I see. Oh, but look at the painting! Marvelous!

 

GERMAN REP: Back so soon, Ms. Hungary? Austria?

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Yes. [sad exhale] The date wasn’t very nice, just like before. We still have food, though. Anyone hungry? [giggles to self]  _ I know I am _ .

 

HOST RODERICH: [awkward grunt]

 

S. ITALIAN REP: I’m starving! Please feed me! The evil monster has made us work all day!

 

SWISS REP: You did nothing but sit around and complain about your dirty clothes!

 

FRENCH REP: So, friends, how  _ did  _ the date go? I am not surprised it was a failure just like they are  _ all  _ set up to be!

 

ENGLISH REP: Ugh, I don’t want to speak about anything to either of you. 

 

SPANISH REP: I don’t get it. I try to be nice and fun with him, but it is like he wanted me for a different reason entirely. [long sigh] I guess I will never know.

 

FRENCH REP: Never trust the English, mon ami. They will only play with your heart.

 

N. ITALIAN REP: [sleepy mumble] Do I smell…is that… [excited shout]  _ food?! _

 

HOST GILBERT: Feast, everyone! I’m proud of those who worked hard today, even though like none of you did! You learned a lot from me today anyway, did you not? Now that you have a shelter, you can all sleep together happy under one roof again, protected from the harsh elements of the terrifying outdoors! 

 

[thunder clap]

 

HOST GILBERT:  _ Oh, _ [long beep].

 

HOST RODERICH: [tornado alarm scream]

 

[lightning]

 

[crash]

 

[explosion]

 

[crying]

 

FRENCH REP:  _ No! Not my _ —

 

[screaming]

 

[wind]

 

[lightning]

 

[Satan laughing]

 

N. ITALIAN REP:  _ The painting! _

 

[vomiting]

 

[birdcall]

 

[thunder]

 

[rain]

 

[lightning]

 

[silence]

 

HOST GILBERT: [clears throat] Well, contestants. Today was a good day, I think. Get some rest. Us hosts are gonna leave now. Bye.

 

[sobbing from multiple contestants]

 

[rain]

 

  
**...**

**LATER IN THE SECRET BUNKER OF INTERNET CONNECTION**

**...**   
  


 

HOST ELIZABETA: You know, Gilbert, Roderich, I’m beginning to worry about the safety of our contestants. We left them all out there in the cold storm, and their shelter was completely demolished. 

 

HOST RODERICH: Britain’s eyebrows were on fire. The whole thing was hideous, really.

 

HOST GILBERT: [burp] Nonsense! What better way to bring them together through tragedy?

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Maybe you are right, although my better judgement reminds me that you are never right. 

 

HOST RODERICH: He was born wrong.

 

HOST GILBERT: Whatever, weenies. This is a game show of  _ survival _ . They’ll make it through the night. And meanwhile, we should get on those reviews. 

 

HOST ELIZABETA: That reminds me, don’t we have the big fanmail helicopter making a visit tomorrow?

 

HOST GILBERT: [giddy laughter] Of course!

 

HOST RODERICH: [groan]

  
  


**...**

 

 

10/10 stars ::  **Truly a remarkable show** :: thepowerofdreams :: 03:56 AM JST

 

A certain someone showed this to me and I am proud to say i enjoy it very much. however you all appear to be dying slowly, that cannot be good. Please get better and stop bickering. remember your training.

 

I was also wondering if I could share in rights for this project? I think it would make very good manga and anime. 

 

please do get back to me about this. Thank you very much.

  
  


**...**

 

 

10/10 stars ::  **DINNAE YA KNOW ENGLAND YE’A RITE WEE BLETHERIN COCKWOBBLE** :: Anonymous Guest :: 19:01 PM GMT

 

[An error has occurred. This message has no content.]

 

  
**...**

**???**

**...**

 

 

S. ITALIAN REP: [sniffle] Ah, finally, peace and quiet! Now that the rain stopped I can bathe without creepy—

 

[rustle in bushes]

 

S. ITALIAN REP: [choked gasp] Who—Who is it? Show yourself! It’s the middle of the night!

 

[more rustling]

 

S. ITALIAN REP: [holding back tears] Get your coward ass out here so I can fight you, you bastard!

 

[rustle]

 

S. ITALIAN REP: [gasp]

 

[silence]

 

[birdcall]

 

LIECHTENSTEINERIN REP: Take me to big brother.


	4. EPISODE FOUR - DAY FOUR

**...**

**EPISODE FOUR - DAY FOUR**

**...**   
  


 

HOST ELIZABETA: Ahem! I  _ would _ do a “previously on  _ GAY OR DEATH: Western Europe _ ” segment, but it was only yesterday and I think all of you can remember well enough what happened, right? 

 

HOST GILBERT: They better, or else this would take  _ way  _ too long.

 

HOST ELIZABETA: So, today is a special episode of the show. Your hosts, Elizabeta—

 

HOST GILBERT: —and Gilbert the Awesome and Roderich the Romping Reaper of—

 

HOST RODERICH: —and Roderich—

 

HOST ELIZABETA: —have greatly appreciated all the wonderful and…interesting…feedback from across the continent, and the world!  

 

HOST GILBERT: [to self] The continent, my ass. Northern Europe is jealous, Eastern Europe is freaking out, and Southern Europe barely has a clue what’s going on. Get with it, people! We’re basically geniuses. Can’t wait to see the profits.

 

HOST ELIZABETA:  _ Gilbert! _ Anyway, it’s always so good to hear from fans! 

 

HOST GILBERT: It keeps us going in these cold, dark nights. 

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Many of you have submitted reviews online, but many of you have also written us letters, addressed to this very island! [nervous giggle] We have no idea  _ how  _ you got the address, but, oh well. You’ll get a chance to hear some of your own feedback today, so be prepared!

 

HOST RODERICH: What poor fools.

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Also, guys, I heard some shouting last night. Do you think we should wake them up early this morning to check it out?

 

HOST GILBERT: Nah, they’re probably fine. 

  
  


GERMAN REP: What in Gott’s name is  _ going on _ ?

 

SWISS REP: Hush your mouth, it’s only my sister!

 

N. ITALIAN REP: [yawn] Ah,  _ buongiorno _ , everybody!  _ Buongiorno _ , Germany! Miss Liechtenstein, how did you get here?

 

S. ITALIAN REP:  _ Buongiorno _ ? It is not a  _ buongiorno _ , and it’s barely  _ giorno _ !

 

SPANISH REP: Oh, good observation, Romano! The sunrise is so pretty! Especially after all that horrible rain!

 

FRENCH REP: Ah, and you know what  _ else _ is so pretty? 

 

[expectant pause]

 

FRENCH REP: One moment—Britain is gone again. Where does he keep  _ going  _ during the night? 

 

ENGLISH REP: I’m right  _ here _ , twat! You interrupted my beauty sleep, you insufferable, slurping reptilian! 

 

FRENCH REP: …[slow laughter]

 

LIECHTENSTEINERIN REP: Oh, dear. I did not mean to cause such a fuss. 

 

SWISS REP: Don’t worry about them, they’re idiots. Now, be quick and quiet, and tell me everything you know. 

 

[loud crash]

 

HOST GILBERT:  _ Guten Tag _ , representatives! Today is going to be great, so great! How did you all sleep?

 

[moans]

 

N. ITALIAN REP: I slept wonderfully!

 

[more moaning]

 

HOST GILBERT: Well. If you had a hard time sleeping, I hate to break it to you, but this isn’t exactly a  _ five star hotel _ . We’re on an island, which means we have to learn to fend for ourselves. Like old times, y’know? 

 

GERMAN REP: We  _ know. _

 

HOST GILBERT:  _ Sheesh.  _ If you woke up too early, that’s probably because of the fanmail helicopter. Elizabeta and Roderich are collecting your piles of letters right now!

 

FRENCH REP: Fanmail? We have fanmail?

 

ENGLISH REP: [hopeless sigh] This show has  _ fans _ ?

 

HOST GILBERT: Hey, lighten up! Of course  _ GAY OR DEATH  _ has fans! We’re great here! Many of the letters were written specifically to you representatives, and today’s  _ DEATH _ challenge is to read and respond to them!

 

S. ITALIAN REP: I am going to vomit again.

 

SPANISH REP: Aw, I hope you aren’t seasick.

 

S. ITALIAN REP: I’m  _ land _ -sick.

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Wow, I didn’t know you could be  _ land _ -sick!

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Here we are, Gilbert! And here is the—[oof]—mail!

 

GERMAN REP: Wait, is the helicopter gone?

 

ENGLISH REP: Quick, we should catch it! If a  _ helicopter _ landed on this island, that means real land  _ can’t  _ be that far away!

 

HOST GILBERT:  _ Too late _ ! It’s  _ gone _ ! [to HOST ELIZABETA and HOST RODERICH] It’s gone, right?

 

HOST RODERICH: It is gone. I wish  _ I _ was gone.

 

HOST GILBERT: Oh, no, you don’t!

 

HOST RODERICH: Believe me, I do.

 

HOST GILBERT: Aw, shut up, you totally—

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Boys, our representatives? Our guests? Did you announce the challenge to them yet?

 

SWISS REP: [clears throat] He  _ did _ . And I am now announcing that I will not take part in your helicopter mail escapades, nor will my sister. 

 

FRENCH REP: …Wait, is Switzerland choosing  _ GAY _ ?

 

HOST GILBERT: “ _ Sister _ ?” How—[spit take] Oh my  _ God _ ,  _ she’s  _ here! 

 

HOST RODERICH: How in the name of Archduke Franz Ferdinand? 

 

LIECHTENSTEINERIN REP: I am here for big brother, yes. 

 

HOST GILBERT: How did you  _ get  _ here? More importantly, what do we  _ call  _ you?

 

LIECHTENSTEINERIN REP: You can call me Liechtensteinerin representative, if you’d like.

 

SWISS REP: Don’t tell them to call you that! 

 

ENGLISH REP: Liechten- _ what _ , now?

 

GERMAN REP:  _ Liechtensteinerin _ , you heard her. It’s the demonym. 

 

HOST GILBERT:  _ Mein Gott _ ! And you’re gonna be  _ GAY  _ with her? With your… _ sister _ ? Wait, is she even your real  _ sister _ ? How does  _ that _ work?

 

HOST ELIZABETA: You know, we could  _ make  _ it work. Maybe sibling appreciation is the type of love we need. We can give up on the romantic, sexual,  _ GAY  _ love for one episode and see how it goes. This could save us!

 

FRENCH REP: Hm.  _ Fine _ , I can approve.

 

SWISS REP: You are making me incredibly uncomfortable! Liechtenstein and I are going to take a nice picnic together on the other side of the island to… _ discuss  _ things. That is  _ all _ . Let’s go, Liechtenstein.

 

LIECHTENSTEINERIN REP: Goodbye, everyone!

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Wait, Roderich, come with me and follow them! We have things to arrange!

 

HOST RODERICH: [exasperated nose sigh] Very well.

 

HOST GILBERT: Huh! What a [beep]ed-up turn of events! I guess that means the rest of you all have to stay with me and read your fanmail, then. It works out okay because the mountain goat didn’t get many letters. And I  _ wonder _ why.

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Aw, poor Switzerland. I hope he and his  _ sorella  _ have a nice time!

 

SPANISH REP: How will we respond to our letters if we have no paper or writing things, Gilbert?

 

HOST GILBERT: Improvise! You guys are smart! Well, some of you. Maybe one or two of you. Maybe. Hm. I will have to think about this. Here’s the mail bag!

 

S. ITALIAN REP: [dying groan] Why does it have to be so big? I will  _ throw _ it out to sea!

 

GERMAN REP: Best not to do that. It would probably come back radioactive and attack us all.

 

S. ITALIAN REP: And I would let it kill me.

 

FRENCH REP: Ooh, a letter for  _ moi _ !

 

N. ITALIAN REP: I see one with my name on it!

 

HOST GILBERT: English rep, go read from your adoring fans!

 

ENGLISH REP:  _ Liechten—Liechtenstein—Liech— _ Ugh, I still can’t say it!

  
  


**...**

 

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Hey, Germany! Listen to this! “Dear representative from Northern Italy: you are very funny and cute and I love watching you on  _ GAY OR DEATH: Western Europe _ ! I think it would be really cute if you and the person from Germany got together—” Oh, um. [nervous laughter] It goes on. Um.

 

GERMAN REP: Let me see. 

 

[paper crinkling] 

 

[silence]

 

GERMAN REP: Er. Italy, um. I can’t say… Um.

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Uh, it’s okay! I’ll read a different one, how about that? Here. This one says, “From a fellow Italian—” ooh! “—it’s super obvious Germany is in love with you—” Oh. Haha. Again. This must be. Hm.

 

GERMAN REP: [grunt]

 

N. ITALIAN REP: [flustered] Maybe a different one, then? I’ll try this one—

 

GERMAN REP: It’s—it’s fine, Italy. [sigh] They are your letters. You should get to read them.

 

N. ITALIAN REP: I—okay. Um, thank you, Germany. I…I am sorry if I ever made you…get uncomfortable?

 

[silence, waves]

 

GERMAN REP: No, you do not make me uncomfortable. Just constantly overwhelmed and confused. Also, when I look at you,  _ strange _ memories…

 

N. ITALIAN REP: [small giggle] Oh! Okay then! Did you want to read any of  _ your _ mail?

 

GERMAN REP:  _ Nein _ . I trust nothing.

 

N. ITALIAN REP: …Are you  _ sure _ ?

 

GERMAN REP: …M-Maybe later.  

 

HOST GILBERT: I see our German and Italian representatives are getting along quite romantically. Expected, expected. Now what seems to be the problem over here?

 

SPANISH REP: Romano is burning our fanmail!

 

S. ITALIAN REP: [chanting in Latin]

 

HOST GILBERT: PUT THAT OUT RIGHT NOW!

 

SPANISH REP:  _ ¡Ay!  _

 

[scuffling]

 

S. ITALIAN REP: [screech] My hair!

 

HOST GILBERT: There, Spanish rep. It’s saved. Read at your own risk.

 

S. ITALIAN REP: How  _ dare  _ you, you bastard! Spain, gimme that!

 

SPANISH REP: Please, I want to see it, Romano! It is from our fans, is it not? It would be impolite not to—not to—oh. Oh, wow. This is very...detailed.

 

S. ITALIAN REP: You stupid turtle butt! [wailing] Put it away! It’s…trash! It belongs on the pile!

 

SPANISH REP: [voice quiet] Look, though! The envelope has both addresses! Romano, do you know what this means?

 

S. ITALIAN REP: …What the hell are you talking about?

 

SPANISH REP: It means that we know where this letter  _ came  _ from—the Portuguese government! Probably from Portugal himself! Look, right above the address for  _ our _ island—we don’t need  _ that _ , of course—you can see the return address. Read the letter, Romano!

 

S. ITALIAN REP: I—no. No, no, no. I don’t want to.

 

SPANISH REP: Why?

 

S. ITALIAN REP: Because it says right  _ there _ to “Serenade him with your guitar and your deep, sexy Spanish voice; he is a beautiful specimen. You cannot let such a tasty morsel escape you!”

 

SPANISH: …Oh, haha, I didn’t see that part. Whoops.

 

S. ITALIAN REP: Ugh, I  _ hate  _ you! [paper noises]

 

SPANISH REP: [sadly] Do you really? Do you really hate me?

 

S. ITALIAN REP: Er—shut up!

 

SPANISH REP: [reading quietly to self] “You must be strong, Spain. Not silly like you always are. Strong! Remember that whenever he says ‘Shut up!’ he really means ‘I love you!’ Now go get him, stupid!”

 

S. ITALIAN REP: I  _ hear  _ you! Shut  _ up _ !

 

HOST GILBERT: And over  _ here  _ are our English and French reps. Probably arguing, as always. I think that’s their way of flirting, though, the crazy weirdos.

 

FRENCH REP: These letters are all either very offensive or very pleasing to my eyes. I think this one was from darling Monaco, though her message to me was…unclear. What are you getting? 

 

ENGLISH REP: Rubbish, rubbish, and more rubbish. Honestly, do these people have  _ any  _ common sense at all? [snarky laugh] I’ve gotten four deranged marriage proposals already.

 

FRENCH REP: Mm, that sounds like a lie.

 

ENGLISH REP: I— _ argh _ . Whatever. Oh, look. Here’s one from another federal government of some country. It’s addressed to both of us. Dear me. I can barely read the font, it says…Ca…what is that next letter, an N? Can… 

 

FRENCH REP: Ah, it must be  _ le Canada _ , my love! Open it! 

 

ENGLISH REP: Very well. At least it’s  _ him _ and not the  _ other _ colony. “Dear England and France, you two are very entertaining to watch on  _ GAY OR DEATH _ . Do you know you’re nominated for an award in America? Your show is becoming a symbol for all here in Canada, too. I witnessed a private screening with the Prime Minister and family last night. It was hilarious. We all hope you two find romantic happiness together and show everyone that gay is okay…” My word! 

 

FRENCH REP: Wait, let me see the rest!

 

ENGLISH REP: I can’t believe what the world has come to! How am I, as an intelligent representative from my nation, supposed to respond to something like this?

 

FRENCH REP: [laughter] In any way you can, you smelly royalist.  _ I  _ am going to tell Canada that he was raised well.

 

ENGLISH REP: You just want to be famous!

 

FRENCH REP: And that is why I am already a step ahead of you to  _ becoming _ famous!

 

ENGLISH REP: [growl] I’m going to sue everyone here when I get off this island. 

 

HOST GILBERT: [to hidden tree camera] Too bad, representative. It will be a long, long while before  _ that _ happens.

 

[birdcall]

 

  
**...**

**COMMERCIAL BREAK**

**...**

  
  


HOST ELIZABETA: I’m Elizabeta your host, and we now return to  _ GAY OR DEATH:  _ Western Europe! The past couple of days on the  _ Isle of Homosexuals _ we have focused primarily on romantic love between men. Due to a perplexing mishap, today we will focus on adorable sibling love! Here we have our Swiss representative, and his sister, a representative from Liechtenstein. No one really knows how she got here on the island, of course, but we’re not questioning it for the sake of saving our show! 

 

HOST RODERICH: How  _ adorable _ . 

 

HOST ELIZABETA: So how do you feel, contestants?

 

SWISS REP: [to LIECHTENSTEINERIN REP] ...yes, that is good to hear. And they know what’s happening?

 

LIECHTENSTEINERIN REP: Yes. I made sure before I left.

 

SWISS REP: Wonderful. Now all we have to do is—stop staring at me, Austria, you cheap nosy neighbor!

 

HOST RODERICH: I would say that ignoring questions you are asked because you are too distracted by your own conversation is more, how you say,  _ cheap _ .

 

LIECHTENSTEINERIN REP: [hand over mouth] Ohh.

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Let us be civil, here! Siblings, we are almost to our destination, the Rock of Love. 

 

LIECHTENSTEINERIN REP: Is that the big rock by the piano, Ms. Hungary?

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Yes! Smart girl. 

 

SWISS REP: A  _ piano _ ? Oh, great, I suppose he’ll have to play for us, then. 

 

HOST RODERICH: [gasp] Now I am greatly reconsidering playing for you! Hu—Elizabeta, I don’t  _ have  _ to play, do I?

 

HOST ELIZABETA: [huff] Just do it. Come on, people, a little faster now. 

 

HOST RODERICH: Please, no,  _ slower _ . My body cannot take the exertion! 

 

SWISS REP: Weak and brittle, like always. [to LIECHTENSTEINERIN REP] Did you bring any extra provisions? None of us have eaten since yesterday, I think. 

 

HOST ELIZABETA: There will be food when we get to our picnic destination, everyone. Can you wait it out for now?

 

HOST RODERICH: It helps if you watch all the garbage and dead animals floating in. It makes you lose your appetite, you see.

 

LIECHTENSTEINERIN REP: [at a whisper to SWISS REP] I have half a chocolate bar left in my satchel.

 

SWISS REP: [relieved sigh] Oh, my prophetic soul.

 

HOST ELIZABETA: There it is, the rock! Just over the bend! 

 

LIECHTENSTEINERIN REP: Ah, good. It is just where I left it.

 

SWISS REP: Do we have the food, Ms. Hungary?

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Call me Elizabeta, please. And yes. It’s stored safely inside the piano.

 

HOST RODERICH:  _ What _ .

 

[shuffling, waves]

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Enjoy your meal!

 

[Rachmaninoff’s  _ Prelude in C sharp minor _ begrudgingly begins to play]

 

SWISS REP: [voice is low] So, Liechtenstein, give me the rest of the details.

 

LIECHTENSTEINERIN REP: The rest of us have been watching you. The gifts were Belgium’s idea. 

 

SWISS REP: I see. How did you escape?

 

LIECHTENSTEINERIN REP: Determination and a loaded arsenal. 

 

SWISS REP: Excellent! What is the situation?

 

LIECHTENSTEINERIN REP: So far it’s looking to be a bit…well, sticky. 

 

SWISS REP: I knew it! Well, listen; here’s the plan.

 

HOST ELIZABETA: [to HOST RODERICH] Ahh, this seems to be working! They’re bonding so well! Our show is saved.

 

[piano stumbles]

 

HOST RODERICH: [whisper hiss] No, they’re  _ plotting _ !

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Hmm…really?

 

SWISS REP:  _ Tomorrow _ ?

 

LIECHTENSTEINERIN REP: Yes. Everything is mostly in order. 

 

SWISS REP: And what about us here?

 

LIECHTENSTEINERIN REP: Secured. [giggle]

 

SWISS REP: Delightful. [loud sip]

 

HOST ELIZABETA: I don’t know, Roderich. It looks like bonding to me.

 

HOST RODERICH: Sure, bonding over  _ secret plans _ . [loud dramatic chord]

 

HOST ELIZABETA: If you say so. I am just happy they are happy. Look, they’re laughing! Aww. 

 

SWISS REP: [to LIECHTENSTEINERIN REP] One time I ate an entire cake he made. It was just sitting there and I was  _ starving _ . I felt bad, so I quickly baked another one to leave in its place, but then I felt bad for feeling bad so I filled it with jelly. I don’t know if he even noticed. He still never suspects a thing. That’s a life lesson.

 

LIECHTENSTEINERIN REP: [laughing]

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Yes, this will all go well. I can feel it.

  
  


**...**

**COMMERCIAL BREAK**

**...**

  
  


HOST GILBERT: Aaaaaand we’re back. I’m Gilbert; this is  _ GAY OR DEATH _ :  _ Western Europe _ . Today the contestants are hearing from the fans! After reading all of their letters, I’m making them mail responses. All of you who gave feedback will find a nice note in the mail soon, I guarantee it!

 

N. ITALIAN REP: So, Germany, have you read any of your letters yet?

 

GERMAN REP: Um, a few.

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Great! Are you going to respond to any of them? I am. I’m pretty sure Seborga wrote half of mine, anyway.

 

GERMAN REP: So far two of my letters have been actually addressed to Prussia, and three to Austria. Ten were for Hungary. And all the ones actually for  _ me _ all say the same thing…

 

N. ITALIAN REP: …And what is that?

 

GERMAN REP: [clears throat] Oh. You know. N-Nothing.

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Nothing? That’s boring!

 

GERMAN REP: Uh, yes.

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Now, how should I start this response to the Vatican?

 

GERMAN REP: The  _ Pope  _ wrote you?

 

N. ITALIAN REP: We are pretty close. Should I say, “Dear Mr. Pope sir, I am happy you wrote to me,” or “ _ Ciao _ , your holy holiness! How’s Rome?”

 

GERMAN REP: [twitch]

 

N. ITALIAN REP: I wonder how we are going to mail these letters back. Do Ms. Hungary and Austria and Prussia take them all back to their Secret Bunker, or does the helicopter come again?

 

GERMAN REP: Wait, what?  _ Secret Bunker _ ?

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Oh, yeah. They have a Secret Bunker of Internet Connection hidden in the woods. I assumed that is where they go to do their sleep.

 

GERMAN REP:  _ What _ ? This could be our ticket back to our homes! We could contact our bosses! Why did you not tell me?

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Um…well…there was kind of an enormous fire.

 

GERMAN REP: Britain— _ gah _ ! Describe this bunker to me. I will find it.

 

N. ITALIAN REP: [sigh] You’re so brave, Germany! I am sure you will save us all!

 

HOST GILBERT: Interesting; our North Italian representative is writing his responses down on his underwear, using crushed berries as ink! What a beautiful, creative technique. Whereas over here, these losers are writing on the back of envelopes with hairs from their eyebrows dipped into their own blood. Gross.

 

ENGLISH REP: “Your Majesty, I have everything under control. Don’t worry about it. Signed, your nation England.” There. This is the only letter I need to send. 

 

FRENCH REP: I am sure your queen will be very assured when she sees all of that blood.

 

ENGLISH REP: Well, how did  _ you  _ write to Canada?

 

FRENCH REP: I carved my message into the paper with the sharpened end of a hairpin! “ _ Canada, mon cheri, tu es très genereux! Angleterre et moi sommes très bien. Dites à l’Amérique bonjour! Bien à vous, France et Angleterre. _ ” 

 

ENGLISH REP: Why’d you tell him we’re doing good? We’re not! Do you know how little sleep I’ve gotten in the past few days? If we were regular people we’d probably be  _ dead _ !

 

FRENCH REP: Yes, you have been missing in the night…a lot. But does our child really want to hear that his loving parents are suffering? 

 

ENGLISH REP: It’s all on camera now. 

 

FRENCH REP: Ah.

 

HOST GILBERT: You can never escape from the camera on  _ GAY OR DEATH _ , no you can’t! The camera is better than all of you. But not me. And these jokers over here are trying to write—well, the Spanish rep is trying to write—with…what is that?

 

SPANISH REP: [cheerful] Dead fish slime! There is a multitude of it!

 

S. ITALIAN REP: Whatever, just don’t say anything stupid.

 

HOST GILBERT: Hold the phone, is he writing all your letters for you?

 

S. ITALIAN REP: [pout]  _ He _ wanted to. I don’t think he’s realized yet to look at the island’s address and find out where we are.

 

SPANISH REP: Wait, what? You can do that? [gasp] That’s so smart, Romano! 

 

HOST GILBERT: [beep] I did not even realize that. Um.  _ Wienerschnitzel _ . NO ONE LOOK AT ANY ENVELOPES!

 

SPANISH REP: Wow, so this island is  _ actually _ called the Isle of Homosexuals! Interesting.

 

HOST GILBERT: I said no looking!  _ Agh!  _

 

SPANISH REP: Wait, a latitude and longitude are listed, too. Right here, in tiny, tiny print. Why?

 

ENGLISH REP: It has to mean that this island is too small to be found without knowing the exact location! Hah!

 

GERMAN REP: If the location and climate are right, this means we have to be somewhere in the Mediterranean. And there is no country listed, which means that this island hasn’t been claimed by anyone.

 

HOST GILBERT: Hey,  _ I  _ claimed it! For myself!

 

SPANISH REP: [whisper] But you are not a country.

 

HOST GILBERT:  _ Psh _ , that can’t stop me.

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Hm…the coordinates…we’re kind of near me, aren’t we?

 

S. ITALIAN REP: No, that would be  _ me _ .  

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Us!

 

S. ITALIAN REP: Whatever.

 

HOST GILBERT: Okay, okay, that’s  _ enough _ ! It’s just a crazy fluke that that is on there. Everyone gimme your mail! I am sending your letters now! Hand ‘em over!

 

SPANISH REP: I’m not finished with mine! I have to finish telling Portugal of my plans!

 

ENGLISH REP:  _ What  _ plans, now?

 

S. ITALIAN REP:  _ WHAT  _ plans?!

 

GERMAN REP: [clears throat] And how, brother, are you going to send the letters?

 

HOST GILBERT: There are ways! I can do it!

 

GERMAN REP: [grumble]

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Here is my underwear. I will find a new pair somewhere, don’t worry! Can we eat now?

 

HOST GILBERT: Wow, how great. Um. You know what, sure. You guys go ahead; you know where Elizabeta’s rock is, right? I’ll just…stay here and…get these letters taken care of.  

 

GERMAN REP: Hmm. I think I will stay here as well. Maybe I can help.

 

HOST GILBERT: Get off my back! 

 

GERMAN REP: You broke  _ my  _ back. 

 

HOST GILBERT: You got better! And you wanna get food with the others, otherwise you’ll  _ die _ .

 

FRENCH REP: Yes, do not be unreasonable. Who knows when we will get food again?

 

GERMAN REP: [to self] I do. I am getting off this island very soon. 

 

HOST GILBERT: [high-pitched snort] We’ll  _ see  _ about  _ that _ !

 

[silence]

 

[birdcall]

  
  


**...**

**COMMERCIAL BREAK**

**...**

  
  


SWISS REP: Did you get a time? For tomorrow? And a place? 

 

LIECHTENSTEINERIN REP: [softly speaking in German]

 

SWISS REP: [frustrated speaking in German]

 

LIECHTENSTEINERIN REP: [gravely speaking in German]

 

SWISS REP: [frustrated speaking in German]

 

HOST ELIZABETA:  _ Psst,  _ Roderich.

 

[piano]

 

HOST ELIZABETA:  _ Roderich _ , dear.  _ Hey! _

 

[piano pauses] 

 

HOST RODERICH: Yes? 

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Our representatives are speaking together in German. It’s adorable. Can you translate for me and the audience?

 

HOST RODERICH: … 

 

SWISS REP: [exclamation in German]

 

HOST RODERICH: [large gasp] I cannot say  _ this _ to the audience! This is outrageous! I knew they were up to something!

 

HOST ELIZABETA: What, really?

 

LIECHTENSTEINERIN REP: It was a nice sandwich.

 

SWISS REP: I’m sure. Say, is that a new bow? In your hair?

 

LIECHTENSTEINERIN REP: No. But it did get a little dirty. Maybe it looks different.

 

SWISS REP: When we get home I will buy you a better one. 

 

HOST ELIZABETA: See, they are being sweet! 

 

SWISS REP: [speaking in German]

 

HOST RODERICH: [abhorrent squawking noise] 

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Roderich, are you alright?

 

[sour piano chord]

 

FRENCH REP: Switzerland! Miss Liechtenstein! Guess what? We have discovered where we are!

 

SWISS REP: [to LIECHTENSTEINERIN REP] Oh no. They’re here. Don’t say a word about anything to them just yet. [to others] What is this?

 

N. ITALIAN REP: It is true! We are in the Mediterranean somewhere! Can I have some food, please? I ran a long way and I think I might collapse.

 

[collapse]

 

ENGLISH REP: A scientific breakthrough, is what this is!

 

HOST GILBERT: Come back, you guys! Argh! 

 

SPANISH REP: Yes, we have done it! Now all we have to do is find a way to  _ escape _ !

 

HOST GILBERT: No, no, there will be no escaping! We’re too far out, you would die of thirst!

 

S. ITALIAN REP: [loud cow groan] Veneziano’s  _ already _ died of thirst.

 

HOST GILBERT: [pause] Wait, where’s German rep?

 

[silence]

 

HOST GILBERT: [loud beep]

 

LIECHTENSTEINERIN REP: What is wrong?

 

HOST GILBERT: Hey, Elizabeta. Did you by any chance remember to lock the…the bunker?

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Gilbert, the bunker doesn’t have a lock. We built it ourselves. Out of concrete and twigs. 

 

HOST RODERICH: This is mutiny!

 

HOST GILBERT: He—he can’t get far. He’ll never fig ure out the password to my computer!

 

  
**...**

**IN THE SECRET BUNKER OF INTERNET CONNECTION**

**...**

  
  


GERMAN REP:  _ iamawesome _ . Simple. Now, where does he keep the email application… 

 

[clicking, typing]

 

GERMAN REP: “Dear Chancellor, this is your nation Germany. There are some things I regret to inform you of…”

 

 

**...**

  
  


 

HOST GILBERT:  _ Alright _ , everyone! Early bedtime! I'm setting out to get our representative from Germany back.

 

ENGLISH REP: It’s barely six! 

 

FRENCH REP: [at a mutter] Not like you’ll be sleeping, anyway.

 

LIECHTENSTEINERIN REP: I set my own bedtime!

 

HOST GILBERT: Whatever! Entertain yourselves! Elizabeta, Roddy darling, let’s go. 

 

HOST ELIZABETA: How do you plan to reprimand him? If you can defeat him, that is.

 

HOST GILBERT: Of course I can defeat him, who do you think I am? Heh, heh. He will be…locked away! For going renegade! For attempted mutiny! 

 

HOST ELIZABETA: And you’re going to lock him…in the bunker?

 

HOST GILBERT: Yes.

 

HOST RODERICH: [scoff] Do you think we should take Italy, then, too? North Italian representative?

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Ooh, let’s lock them up together!

 

HOST GILBERT: Last time I checked North Italian rep had died of starvation. Gosh, I hate it when they do that. 

 

HOST ELIZABETA: [sigh] Me too.

 

[birdcall]

 

HOST GILBERT: Come on, Roderich, keep up! We’re not far away now… Who  _ knows  _ what damage he could have already created?

  
  


**...**

**IN THE SECRET BUNKER OF INTERNET CONNECTION**

**...**

  
  


GERMAN REP: Sent. There.  _ Yes _ . Now I can only hope someone will actually  _ read _ it soon. Stupid Prussia for not having a phone. I mean, get with the times already!

 

[soft wind]

 

[computer beep]

 

GERMAN REP: Hm, what’s this? 

 

[click]

 

GERMAN REP: A  _ reviews _ ? I did not know this was being filmed  _ live _ .

 

[click]

 

GERMAN REP: [long sigh]

  
  


**...**

 

 

5/10 stars ::  **Wowie wow wowzers!** :: PrincipalityOfSealandOfficial™©✓ :: 17:49 PM GMT

 

how remarckable of a little show u have here!!!!!!!!! i watch it every day even thogh mum and papa dont allow it in the house! and if you tell them I watch it i will imediatly void all contracts and trading with u so i would advize against doing that!!!!!! 

 

gay or death would be an even better show if I was alloued to be in it. I think it is vry unfair that only some of europe is in the show!!!!!!! u forgot alot of us countrys and quite frankly i find that rude as do the other countries!!!!! I spoke with them!!!!! we had an important meeting about it yesterday!!!! U would not know bc you were not there. we think this decison of urs is a major negative one and i would advise u to change it if i were you. 

 

avoid those major mistakes nxt time and then get a 10 out of 10 star rating from me!!!!

  
  


**...**

 

 

7/10 stars ::  **Error315097please_enter_a_review** :: Anonymous Guests :: 19:19 PM CET

 

Whatever Sealand just posted, please note that we didn’t tell him to. The meeting yesterday did happen, though. (He snuck in.)

 

Representatives, worry no longer. We are coming. And we’re glad you enjoyed the food! :)


	5. EPISODE FIVE - DAY FIVE

**...**

**EPISODE FIVE - ???**

**...**   
  


 

[sounds of the night]

 

ENGLISH REP: So it’s all come to  _ this _ . Sneaking away each night. Missing meals that weren’t even promised to me. I’ve been absolutely _ slaving _ over this creation of mine, and I’m finally finished with it. Oh, praise the heavens!

 

[birdcall]

 

ENGLISH REP: Yes,  _ yes _ ! Praise my escape raft! I  _ made  _ it!  _ Praise it!  _

 

[wind]

 

ENGLISH REP: What a genius am I! Now all I have to do is launch it. But—oh! The sun is rising to foil my plans! I must sneak back to camp yet again!

 

[rooster]

 

ENGLISH REP: Today. Soon. My dear raft, you and I will see the sea. I will see my home. 

 

[cricket]

 

ENGLISH REP: [diabolical laughter, hacking sounds, more diabolical laughter]

 

  
**...**

**DAY FIVE**

**...**

 

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Oh, has it already been five days on this island? [sigh] I must have lost track of the time. But at least I get to eat again! Are you ready for breakfast, Romano?

 

S. ITALIAN REP: We haven’t been fed breakfast since we got here, you idiot. And something tells me they’re  _ not  _ gonna start now!

 

HOST GILBERT: This is true. When German rep hacked into our official websites like the nosy mutineer he is, he glimpsed our incoming reviews. Now, we know  _ exactly  _ where the food came from, and because of that, we had to dispose of it.

 

GERMAN REP:  _ You threw all our food away? Are you insane? _

 

HOST GILBERT: Maybe just a _ little _ insane after all these years, but you know, what can a guy do? And hey, I said no moving!

 

FRENCH REP: How can he move,  _ mon ami _ ? He is tied to a tree.

 

GERMAN REP: A coconut could fall on my head any second and kill me and you  _ do not even care _ ! You are a terrible show host.

 

HOST GILBERT: Hey, hey! I’m an amazing host! And pish, posh, you’ve been through worse.

 

GERMAN REP:  _ How is that an excuse? _

 

ENGLISH REP: [exhausted] Did he just say “pish, posh?”

 

HOST GILBERT: So what? Representative, I doubt that loser tree could even produce a coconut. You have nothing to worry about.

 

SPANISH REP: There are some fruits there I see…but those…aren’t coconuts.

 

GERMAN REP: Well, what are they?

 

SPANISH REP: [whisper] I do not know. They scare me.

 

HOST GILBERT:  _ Ugh.  _ This is  _ your _ punishment, German rep. You tried to mutiny.

 

GERMAN REP: I  _ tried  _ to save us all!

 

HOST GILBERT: Ah, that’s mutiny. Right, my assistant hosts?

 

HOST ELIZABETA: [sigh] I still don’t see why we need the tree.

 

HOST RODERICH: [quiet] He’s already called in his help. It won’t be long, now.

 

SWISS REP: Wait, who’s calling in what?

 

HOST GILBERT: No one! No one’s coming. Let’s focus on our daily challenge, alright? [yawn]

 

HOST ELIZABETA: [whispering to HOST GILBERT] Did you even have a plan for the challenge, Gilbert? It  _ did _ take you all night to hunt German rep down.

 

HOST GILBERT: [loud horse laugh] Of course I have a plan! I always have a plan! It’s great to have a plan, it keeps you organized and prepared!  _ Ha  _ ha!

 

HOST RODERICH: So you don’t have a plan. 

 

HOST GILBERT: I—how rude. I was…kinda thinking today we could…um…play…a game!

 

N. ITALIAN REP: A game? I like games! Sometimes!

 

S. ITALIAN REP: [to N. ITALIAN REP] Because you think your life is a game. [to HOST GILBERT] I thought this was supposed to be a survival show!

 

ENGLISH REP: Don’t remind him!

 

HOST GILBERT: We are a survival game show! So we  _ can _ play games! 

 

GERMAN REP: Now you’re just making things up.

 

HOST GILBERT: No, it is  _ your  _ fault for not knowing the rules! Look, I’m going to go into the woods and start counting, okay? I’ll be generous. I am giving you five minutes to hide, and you can use the entire island! Ready…

 

GERMAN REP: What about me?!

 

HOST GILBERT: Set… 

 

LIECHTENSTEINERIN REP: I am very good at hide-and-seek. Are you sure you want to try to find me?

 

HOST GILBERT: Go!

 

S. ITALIAN REP:  _ No _ !

 

[bushes shaking]

 

[birdcall]

 

HOST RODERICH: Well, he’s gone.

 

HOST ELIZABETA: But wait, what about…the  _ GAY  _ challenge?

 

[a pre-recorded chorus chants  _ GAY OR DEATH, GAY OR DEATH, GAY OR DEATH _ ]

 

HOST ELIZABETA: No, turn that chorus off! He abandoned us! I cannot believe this!

 

ENGLISH REP: [snort] This is what this is! Prussia’s left us to our own devices! 

 

SPANISH REP: For five minutes… 

 

ENGLISH REP: Five minutes is all the time I need. We’re  _ free _ !

 

HOST RODERICH: [clears throat]

 

S. ITALIAN REP:  _ Ohhhhh,  _ no. No, no, NO! You want to mutiny NOW? Are you even shitting me? I tried to put an end to that bastard  _ days  _ ago! You and stupid fat  _ Germany  _ should have joined in then, when you could, you assholes! I’m tired of this poop! Whatever you have planned I will  _ not _ be a part of it!

 

FRENCH REP: I want to be a part of this. We did try, South Italy, remember? But they…they beat us…

 

GERMAN REP: Literally.

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Hang on, Roderich and I are authority on this island, too! Do  _ not  _ tell me you  _ dare  _ forgot about us.

 

N. ITALIAN REP: [whimper] I just want to go home…

 

SWISS REP: There will be no mutineering between Liechtenstein and I, right, Liechtenstein? Don’t even worry about us. We’re going to sit right here and wait.

 

[wave]

 

LIECHTENSTEINERIN REP: Maybe we should sit  _ there  _ instead, big brother. A rusty golden sword just washed up. [pause] Oh, look, and a circus tent! Is that a bottle of  _ Chardonnay?  _

 

FRENCH REP: [strained whisper]  _ Chardonnay? _

 

SWISS REP: [small back of throat squeal] Y-Yes, we are now going to go and sit by the forest and German rep, yes don’t mind us!

 

GERMAN REP: I mind. 

 

SWISS REP: Well,  _ don’t _ .

 

HOST RODERICH: Maybe you should go  _ hide _ . 

 

ENGLISH REP: I’ve had enough of this. We’re wasting valuable time. 

 

HOST ELIZABETA: And how do you plan to spend your time  _ better _ , English rep?

 

ENGLISH REP: [dramatic pause] By getting off this blasted island! [war cry]

 

HOST ELIZABETA: [gasp] He’s  _ running _ ! Roderich!

 

[shrieks]

 

HOST ELIZABETA: S-Someone! Follow him!

 

SPANISH REP: Wow! He really is rebelling! What do you say, Romano—should  _ we _ rebel?

 

S. ITALIAN REP:  _ Sì,  _ that’s what I have been  _ trying  _ to say this entire time! What do you have, sauce for brains?

 

SPANISH REP: I—I don’t think so? Why would you think that? Is it coming out of my ears?

 

FRENCH REP:  _ I _ will follow Britain!

 

HOST ELIZABETA:  _ No _ , you  _ won’t _ !

 

FRENCH REP: [loud croak] Okay. 

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Everyone, I’ve changed my mind! Stay here! Roderich, watch them! Take them to the Rock of Love; we rendezvous there! I’m going after our  _ English representative  _ myself! 

 

HOST RODERICH: What?!

 

N. ITALIAN REP: [loud groan]

 

HOST ELIZABETA: [muttering to self] Prussia, wherever you are, I swear to God…

 

  
**...**

**COMMERCIAL BREAK**

**...**

 

 

 

HOST GILBERT: Three minutes thirty-eight, three minutes thirty-nine, three minutes forty-ten! Three minutes forty-eleven, three minutes forty-twelve—

 

[distant scream]

 

HOST GILBERT: [snicker]  _ They _ must be having  _ fun _ . [pause] Oh no! I lost count! Better start over!

 

[another distant scream]

 

HOST GILBERT: One, two, three, four… 

  
  


**...**

 

 

ENGLISH REP: [pant] Just… [pant] a little… [pant] further…! 

 

[rustling bushes]

 

ENGLISH REP: Oh, crumpets, I hope no one’s following me! They’d be a  _ fool  _ to! [pant] I didn’t build my raft with the intent of having company! 

 

[twigs snapping] 

 

ENGLISH REP: Ah, the charred remains of the forest that once was. [pant] It’s right here somewhere… 

 

[rumbling earth]

 

HOST ELIZABETA:  _ English representative! Get back here!  _

 

ENGLISH REP: [undignified squeak]  _ You’ll never catch me alive _ !

 

[crash]

 

[crash]

 

[crash]

 

  
**...**

 

 

LIECHTENSTEINERIN REP: It is right this way, yes, the Rock of Love. Keep following me!

 

HOST RODERICH: [groan]

 

GERMAN REP: At least I’m untied from that  _ tree _ . [grunt] That was getting ridiculous.

 

SWISS REP: Hah, like it wasn’t ridiculous  _ before _ ? Keep up with Liechtenstein, everyone; she knows the way—fortunate for our  _ host _ .

 

HOST RODERICH: How rude! You do know I never wanted to be a part of this in the first place, you imbeciles!

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Yeah, you never did tell us why this happened, Austria. No one did. Will you tell us?

 

FRENCH REP: Oh, please, every time I replay that moment when I woke up on the sand I get a headache.

 

S. ITALIAN REP: [huff] Not me! I knew it was opium from the start.

 

GERMAN REP: You were  _ screaming _ from the start, screaming like the war had come back! 

 

HOST RODERICH: [sigh] I need  _ Hungary _ to come back… 

 

[wind, waves, silence]

 

SPANISH REP: You know, I wonder where she and England are right now?

 

S. ITALIAN REP: Why would you care? They are out of our way for a longer time! [breath, moan] All we need to do is escape before they come back, but it doesn’t look like that will happen, now, will it.

 

SPANISH REP: Aw, Romano, you are sad!

 

S. ITALIAN REP: No—I—you  _ make  _ me sad.

 

SPANISH REP: Oh, hey, Britain told me that, too! Do not worry,  _ mi amor _ ! We will get off this island one way or another! 

 

FRENCH REP: Hmm. Spain, my friend, do you seem to know of a way?

 

SWISS REP: Everyone should be patient. Once we get to the Rock and the piano, everything will be fine.

 

S. ITALIAN REP: [scoff] And how are you  _ so  _ sure?!

 

SPANISH REP: Ah, dear Romano.

 

LIECHTENSTEINERIN REP: There is the Rock! We are here.

 

N. ITALIAN REP: You know, this is technically one big date if all of us are here. I like this; it is more romantic!

 

GERMAN REP: [grumble] Sure.

 

HOST RODERICH: [cow noise] 

 

[silence, waves]

 

[pause]

 

[utter silence]

 

[birdcall]

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Um, guys? Why did it go…quiet…all of a sudden?

 

S. ITALIAN REP: ...Veneziano… I wouldn’t…

 

[bird _ scream _ ]

 

HOST RODERICH: OH MY HEAVENS!

 

FRENCH REP:  _ Dear Louis,  _ what  _ is  _ that?! [shriek]

 

[screams]

 

SPANISH REP: It really is the end of the world!

 

N. ITALIAN REP: [crying]

 

S. ITALIAN REP: Sweet release,  _ take  _ me!

 

[wind]

 

SWISS REP: [victorious yelling]

 

GERMAN REP: [victorious yelling]

 

SWISS REP: Wait, what?

 

GERMAN REP: Excuse me?

 

[more screams, this time somewhat confused]

 

 

**...**

  
  


 

HOST GILBERT: Four minutes fifty-eight, four minutes fifty-nine…  _ five minutes _ ! A _ ha _ ! Ready or not, suckers! Here I  _ coooommmeee! _

 

[rustle in bushes]

 

HOST GILBERT: Now, where would the crackpots have hid themselves… [stomping] Hey, little kiddies! Are you behind  _ THIS TREE _ , perhaps?

 

[crack]

 

[loud rustle]

 

HOST GILBERT: [pause] Oh no. I—I can’t make any—sudden—movements—

 

[low growl]

 

HOST GILBERT: [deathly whisper] I—I—Oh,  _ mein Gott _ . Not  _ you _ again.

 

[yipping, barking]

 

HOST GILBERT: You stupid wild bears, I banished ya! [large inhale]  _ Whoa _ there, mama. Easy. I only said you were  _ stupid _ .

 

[gargling noise]

 

HOST GILBERT: Okay,  _ okay _ ! N-Nice bear, yeah? We can do nice. N-Nice, beautiful,  _ strong  _ mama bear… 

 

[howl]

 

HOST GILBERT: [long, loud beep] And that’s it. I’m gone. [crashing]

 

[distant screams]

 

[earthquake rumbling noise]

 

HOST GILBERT: [sobbing]  _ I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m so, so sorry, I’m sorry, I— _ [yelp]

 

[camera goes black]

 

 

**...**

 

  
  


ENGLISH REP: [foaming at mouth noises]  _ It’s—mine _ ! [maniacal laughter]  _ You—were—too—late—  _ [hissing]

 

[silence]

 

[distant screaming]

 

[silence]

 

HOST ELIZABETA: [war cry]

 

ENGLISH REP:  _ AaaAAAhhHHHhhhhHHHHHHH _ !

 

[rustling]

 

[cracking]

 

ENGLISH REP: [panting]  _ Give it up, you fiend! _ Er, Ms. Fiend. Ms. Hungary. [cough]  _ Give it up! _

 

HOST ELIZABETA: No,  _ you _ give it up! Either give it up or  _ fight  _ me!

 

ENGLISH REP: I  _ must  _ get off this island! [voice jumps up and down evenly between octaves] With you unruly  _ mongrels _ , you do not understand! This is physical and psychological  _ torture _ !

 

HOST ELIZABETA: You think so,  _ huh _ , smart guy? Then let go of your trash raft escape pod and  _ put ‘em up _ !

 

ENGLISH REP: I— [sigh] I can’t, Ms. Hungary!

 

HOST ELIZABETA:  _ Hmph.  _ Thought so. Now, hand over the raft.

 

ENGLISH REP: I—

 

[explosion]

 

HOST GILBERT: [little girl wailing, crying]

 

[growling]

 

ENGLISH REP: Well,  _ crikey _ !

 

[more growling]

 

HOST ELIZABETA: There’s more! Watch o—

 

[stampede of growling]

 

ENGLISH REP: [insane whoop] And  _ more _ ! Follow the bears!

 

[explosion]

 

[screaming]

 

  
  


**...**

**COMMERCIAL BREAK**

**...**

  
  


 

HOST RODERICH: [clears throat] Er. You see. This is a television show by the name of…oh, it doesn’t matter. I am…Roderich. Um. 

 

[background chaos noises]

 

HOST RODERICH: Er, so…here it is. Yes. W-Welcome back. 

 

[sonic boom]

 

SWISS REP: [to approaching helicopter]  _ We’re down here! _ [laughter] We’re free, we’re free!

 

GERMAN REP: How do you know that helicopter is for  _ you _ ?

 

[whoosh]

 

N. ITALIAN REP:  _ The giant metal bird is coming to kill us!  _ What do we do? I don’t know what to do? Oh! [swoon]

 

LIECHTENSTEINERIN REP: You have never seen a helicopter before?

 

FRENCH REP: It looks like it is looking for somewhere to land, but it is hovering far out over the water—what is that rumbling noise?

 

[rumbling noise]

 

SPANISH REP: Earthquake?

 

HOST RODERICH: Prussia?

 

S. ITALIAN REP: All our impending dooms?

 

[distant screaming]

 

FRENCH REP: Yes, this is it. We are all really going to die. I cannot believe it. 

 

SWISS REP: Maybe someone’s invading?

 

GERMAN REP: Someone’s  _ already  _ invading—oh, Italy, get up.

 

N. ITALIAN REP: No, I can’t; I have fainted!

 

[distant evil laughter]

 

SPAIN: [growl] I know.

 

[whoosh]

 

[silence]

 

S. ITALIAN REP: W-What—?

 

[massive explosion]

 

HOST RODERICH: [inane little girl giggle-crying]

 

HOST GILBERT:  _ RRRUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNN— _ [scream so high it is only detectable to the ears of the wild bears]

 

HOST ELIZABETA:  _ NO,  _ don’t run,  _ grab  _ Britain!

 

ENGLISH REP: [gasping laughter] Yes,  _ yes _ ,  _ YES!  _ [splash]  _ AT LAST _ ! [large splash]

 

FRENCH REP: [gasp] A-A boat? He has a boat? Ugh! I blow my nose at you, Britain! Take me with you!

 

[conflagration of screaming]

 

ENGLISH REP:  _ Ahahahaha! _

 

SPANISH REP: [slow, low chuckling]

 

S. ITALIAN REP: Um, Spain? Are you okay?

 

GERMAN REP: What is wrong with—

 

SPANISH REP: [loud, haughty laughter] So  _ this  _ is what  _ Great _ Britain produces? This tiny, little,  _ weak  _ raft? [snort] An image to be ashamed of.

 

ENGLISH REP: H—Hey! What—what’s it to you? You’re stuck! What are you trying to—

 

SPANISH REP: Oh,  _ really.  _ “Stuck?”  _ Me?  _ [gasping laughter] You were easier to deceive than I thought. I am not  _ stuck _ , you fool. And that is  _ still  _ not a boat. [snarl] Let me show you…a  _ boat.  _

 

[eruption]

 

S. ITALIAN REP: [falsetto]  _ S-Spain! _

 

[wood creaking, flag billowing, wind, splashing] 

 

SPANISH REP:  _ This, mi amigo _ , is a  _ boat _ !

 

HOST RODERICH: [horrified gasp]

 

HOST GILBERT: What is  _ going on _ ?!

 

SPANISH REP: Not only that, but a  _ ship _ ! I built it in a day. I had you  _ all  _ tricked! Hah! No one traps the Kingdom of Spain on an island!  _ No  _ one! [shrieking laughter]

 

ENGLISH REP: I KNEW IT, YOU [beep]-ING [beep] [beep] OF A [beeeeeeeep] ! YOU DIDN’T FOOL ME FOR A SECOND!  _ OHHH _ ! [splash]

 

HOST GILBERT: Hang on a darn second! Someone, explain to me  _ right now _ ! 

 

HOST ELIZABETA: [huff] There’s a Spaniard giving us some trouble, Gilbert.

 

HOST GILBERT: Well, you give  _ him  _ some trouble! I can’t deal with this! There are  _ bears _ ! Any second they’ll  _ burst  _ through the trees and devour us all!

 

SWISS REP: [short hiss] The  _ bears  _ are back?

 

N. ITALIAN REP:  _ Eek _ ! Germany, hold me!

 

GERMAN REP: I  _ am  _ holding you!

 

ENGLISH REP: Well, suck on this, you wankers! The bears can’t catch me out here! [to self] Unless they can swim by some freak incident. Which I cannot. [evil tone] But they don’t know that, do they.

 

FRENCH REP:  _ Non _ ! I will not wait around here like…like I am waiting for the guillotine! [splash] I will swim my way to freedom! [gurgle] I am coming, Britain! [splash] I am coming, strange flying Pierre-bird machine!

 

N. ITALIAN REP: No, big brother! Do not risk it!

 

ENGLISH REP: What the hell do you think you’re  _ doing,  _ you cheese-eating surrender monkey? Get back to the island!

 

FRENCH REP: [gargle]  _ Non _ ! [splash] 

 

ENGLISH REP: What are you— _ let go of me!  _ Get  _ off! _

 

[splashing]

 

[nearby whirring]

 

LIECHTENSTEINERIN REP: The copter is going to land!

 

SPANISH REP: Well, what do you say, Romano? Should we, as you say,  _ get off  _ as well?

 

S. ITALIAN REP: [in stunned awe] W-With  _ that _ ? Your  _ ship _ ? And go—t-there?

 

SPANISH REP: [giggle] Did I impress you? Was it good? I made two captain’s chairs just for us! We can share! Explore the ocean! Live forever on the waves, tanning our backs in the sun, making love in the cabin when it rains, catching fish together—

 

[loud growling]

 

[rumbling]

 

[nearby yipping]

 

S. ITALIAN REP: [gasping breath]  _ Fine _ ! T-Take me with you! Quick!

 

SPANISH REP: [squeal of glee]

 

[shuffling]

 

HOST GILBERT: Any second, the bears! The  _ bears _ !

 

GERMAN REP: Italy, listen to me closely. We are going to make a run for the helicopter when it lands, next to that dead moose carcass and unearthed buried treasure, see? Can you do that? Can you run with me?

 

N. ITALIAN REP: The scary bird monster? I—I can! I will try for you, Germany! But, what about the others?

 

GERMAN REP:  _ Hmph. _ That should be obvious enough. The helicopter isn’t for them.

 

SWISS REP: The  _ GERMAN FLAG _ ? How did this  _ happen _ !  _ Argh _ !  _ We  _ called in a helicopter! This was supposed to all work out perfectly in the plan—[strangled screech]

 

[explosion]

 

[growling]

 

HOST GILBERT:  _ THE BEARS! TAKE COVER _ !

 

[hell on earth]

 

 

**...**

 

  
  


ENGLISH REP:  _ Stop it _ ! You and the helicopter are too close to my raft! Get  _ away _ , get  _ AWAY _ , I’m GOING TO TIP— [splash]

 

[waves]

 

SPANISH REP: Ah, so the captain has capsized his boat! [laughing]

 

S. ITALIAN REP: [nervous laughing]

 

FRENCH REP:  _ Angleterre,  _ where are you? [splash] Get back on! [grunt]

 

ENGLISH REP: [gasping] I can’t— _ ahtweofighowowhhfn _ —[splash]

 

FRENCH REP: You stupid fool! You can’t even swim, can you?

 

[helicopter whirring]

 

FRENCH REP: [monstrous heave]  _ Why  _ me?  _ Why  _ this? [gurgle]  _ Oh _ , this is  _ horrible _ !

 

ENGLISH REP: Let  _ go  _ of me, pervert! 

 

FRENCH REP: Ungrateful! I am saving your life!

 

ENGLISH REP: Ugh, I’d rather  _ die _ !

 

FRENCH REP:  _ Fine _ ! [splash]

 

ENGLISH REP:  _ qwdoihrqnnhiqwNO _ —

 

FRENCH REP: Get your  _ own  _ raft, then!

 

ENGLISH REP:  _ IwliweAMwiuhwGOINGwelidnoTOwefesdcKILL _ —[gasp]

 

FRENCH REP: [gasp]

 

[waves, bubbles, splashes]

 

FRENCH REP: [gasp] There, see! I saved us!

 

ENGLISH REP: [sputter] I— [cough] France, I— [hacking]

 

FRENCH REP: I know,  _ mon cher.  _ I know you love me and are eternally grateful. 

 

ENGLISH REP: I was  _ going  _ to say— [lungs dying noise] I— [heart restarting]  _ You _ — [throat not working]

 

FRENCH REP: Oh,  _ non _ . Would you like me to give you the, how you say, mouth-to-mouth?

 

ENGLISH REP: [quickly] Oh, lord, no, please! I’m fine, I’m fine! Just a bit caught in my throat, yeah? This day has been...interesting...enough! Hm!

 

FRENCH REP: Hm...indeed.

 

S. ITALIAN REP: How about  _ you  _ suck on  _ my  _ [beep], you gay turd-birds! We’re  _ winning _ !

 

SPANISH REP: Yes, we are, my Romano! Now that we have passed both England and the helicopter, it’s only open sea for us! Ah, the open Mediterranean, the breeze in my face, the clear horizon…

 

S. ITALIAN REP: Um, Spain? That’s another helicopter on the horizon right there, isn’t it?

 

SPANISH REP: [sigh] I knew it would not be this easy. I took a hopeless man’s wager, didn’t I.

 

S. ITALIAN REP: [angry huff] Can I ask what the crap you are talking about?

 

SPANISH REP: Hey, look, the pilot is waving at me!

 

S. ITALIAN REP: [long sigh] This is going to be a long journey back home, isn’t it.

 

SPANISH REP: We will have each other! They can not catch us!

 

S. ITALIAN REP: What have I done.

 

[helicopter noises]

 

[waves]

 

[bears]

 

GERMAN REP: Italy,  _ now _ !

 

N. ITALIAN REP: What?

 

GERMAN REP:  _ Run _ !

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Oh, right! [clears throat] Here we go! [sustained operatic finale note scream]

 

GERMAN REP: What do I do with him.

 

[whooshing]

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Coming through, Ms. Hungary!  _ Scusi _ , Miss Liechtenstein! Watch out, Ms.—I mean, Austria!  _ Ahhhhhhhhhhh _ !

 

HOST RODERICH: I never!

 

GERMAN REP: [incoherent mutterings of disapproval]

 

HOST GILBERT: Get back here, German rep! You need to help defend against the— _ Ahh! _ —bears! 

 

[scuffling, growling]

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Ooh, those blades are sharp!

 

GERMAN REP: Duck!

 

N. ITALIAN REP: [gasp] Duck? Where?

 

GERMAN REP: No, your head! 

 

HELICOPTER PILOT: [speaking in German]

 

GERMAN REP: He’s the Italian, yes! Let him on!

 

N. ITALIAN: Oh! [heavy breathing] Germany, you told your government to save me, too? That is so nice of you!

 

GERMAN REP: I—I had to. [uncomfortably clears throat] Yes. For you.

 

N. ITALIAN REP: [softly] Oh, Germany. You didn’t do that for anyone else. You must…really care for me?

 

GERMAN REP: Well… er… You did show me the secret internet bunker. We wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you. I mean, I only had to repay you to show my gratitude, um, it’s nothing, really… I mean…

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Aw. You are so cute when you are like this. [giggle] That makes me happy.

 

GERMAN REP: [breath] Good. Er, I mean, good that you are happy. [quietly to self] I’m  _ cute _ ?

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Thank you very much, Germany! Should we fly home now? The bears are starting to eat the wheels on this “helicopter.”

 

GERMAN REP: Er—yes! Yes, let’s get the both of us back to our homes! I am sure your country misses you.

 

N. ITALIAN REP: I was actually thinking…maybe I could stay at your home and visit for a little while?

 

GERMAN REP: Oh. Well. I suppose…that could be arranged.

 

N. ITALIAN REP: Yay!

 

HELICOPTER PILOT: [speaking in German]

 

GERMAN REP: Prussia? My brother? Yes, he is technically protected by the government, too… 

 

HELICOPTER PILOT: [speaking in German]

 

GERMAN REP: Oh, no. Just leave him here. He deserves this.

 

HELICOPTER PILOT: [speaking in German]

 

GERMAN REP: And finally, we are off!

 

[whoosh]

 

 

**...**

 

  
  


SWISS REP: Easy, there, mama bear! I completely understand. It was rude of them, yes, I know. I blame them for everything, too.

 

[growl]

 

HOST RODERICH: I don’t get it! He is speaking to them! So he  _ did  _ elope with the bears?

 

HOST GILBERT: Shhh, just let the magic happen! He’s saving our butts.

 

LIECHTENSTEINERIN REP: The bears like Hungary, too.

 

HOST ELIZABETA: That’s right, my children! Follow me, your mama, back home!

 

MAMA BEAR: [growl]

 

SWISS REP: You can’t say that! You are disrespecting their  _ actual  _ mama bear!

 

HOST ELIZABETA: What?

 

MAMA BEAR: [yip]

 

HOST ELIZABETA: [gasp] So this was the problem all along! Ms. Bear, I am so sorry!

 

[confused whining]

 

SWISS REP: She says she is sorry! She accepts your ideas and beliefs and is happy to leave you and your tribe alone! She begs for mercy!

 

HOST ELIZABETA: I don’t—okay, then.

 

MAMA BEAR: [growling fades away]

 

SWISS REP: Yes! We are leaving now and will never disturb you again, right, people?

 

LIECHTENSTEINERIN REP: Yes! All due respect, Mama Bear.

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Sure.

 

HOST GILBERT: Yeah! Whatever! Just leave, please!

 

HOST RODERICH: Um, okay…?

 

SWISS REP: There, they said it! See? Have we satisfied you and your holy court?

 

MAMA BEAR: [hesitation, then a short bark]

 

SWISS REP: [dramatic sigh] Oh, thank goodness. 

 

MAMA BEAR: [yip]

 

[bear horde shuffling away]

 

HOST GILBERT: Are they leaving?

 

SWISS REP: Finally. She was being picky with me, that Mama. Oh well. I respect her values.

 

LIECHTENSTEINERIN REP: Will we come back and have tea with her sometime?

 

SWISS REP: Perhaps.

 

HOST GILBERT: Excuse me! “Come back?” You’re not leaving!

 

SWISS REP: [laugh] And that, you unfathomable barbarian, is where you are wrong. If you hadn’t noticed, the island has emptied itself while we were distracted. France and England and Spain and South Italy have sailed away, and there goes Germany’s and Italy’s helicopter! 

 

HOST GILBERT: [to self] That darn kid, thinking he’s so cool he can leave without his brother. In my day we didn’t  _ have  _ fancy flying machines. We jumped off cliffs and called  _ that  _ heroic.

 

SWISS REP: My sister and I will be following suit, now. Our helicopter has landed right there. Let’s go, shall we, Liechtenstein?

 

HOST GILBERT: Wait, no!

 

HOST ELIZABETA: [sigh] Just let them go, Prussia. The game has fallen apart. We do not have enough contestants. This was never going to work.

 

LIECHTENSTEINERIN REP: Goodbye, everyone! Thank you for…the things!

 

HOST RODERICH: Oh, goodbye.

 

HOST GILBERT: Unfair! Who even is that in the copter?

 

DUTCH REP: Welcome, Switzerland and Liechtenstein. Glad to see you again.

 

BELGIAN REP: Oh, look at you two! Malnourished and dirty! Oh, we shall fix you up real quick! Come on in, come in, there is plenty of room!

 

PORTUGUESE REP: I saw the tiny raft and the giant pirate ship on the ocean when we were flying in. This game show didn’t end very nicely, no?

 

SWISS REP: Ugh,  _ tell _ me about it… 

 

[helicopter whirring]

 

HOST GILBERT:  _ Mein Gott _ , it’s the  _ others _ ! I betcha all those other tiny countries are behind this, too!  _ Hey _ ! Get back here, you!  _ We still have your lawsuit to discuss! _

 

[whoosh]

 

HOST GILBERT:  _ Hey _ !  _ No _ !

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Um, Gilbert? Let’s just—Gilbert!

 

HOST RODERICH: The man is desperate, Hungary. [sadly begins to play Beethoven’s  _ Moonlight Sonata  _ on the still-standing piano, but then switches to Chopin’s  _ Op. 9, No. 2  _ for old time’s sake.]

 

HOST GILBERT: [growl] Ah, I’ll get them. I will get those punks when we get back, yes I will. 

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Sure, Prussia. Yes.

 

HOST GILBERT: Is that sass I detect?  _ You  _ guys can’t abandon me, too!

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Wow,  _ sass _ ? I never would have thought. [exhalation]

 

HOST RODERICH: [silence]

 

HOST GILBERT: I guess we should go ahead and leave this stupid Isle of Homosexuals, too. Gosh. I honestly didn’t expect it to end like this. 

 

HOST RODERICH: [quietly] Well,  _ I  _ did.

 

[waves]

 

HOST GILBERT: Hey, is that camera still on? We should probably save all this footage, you know. 

 

HOST ELIZABETA: Yeah, I guess we should. I’m sad. There was no date. 

 

HOST GILBERT: Ah, I know, right? No one died! That was really disappointing.

 

HOST ELIZABETA: I am sure our viewers are devastated. 

 

HOST GILBERT: Yeah, what a complete fail for them. Oh, well. 

 

[wind]

 

HOST GILBERT: Maybe next time will be better. 

 

HOST RODERICH: [loud bang on piano]  _ Next  _ time? I still haven’t recovered from  _ now  _ and I don’t think I or anyone else who is watching this show ever will!

 

[silence]

 

HOST GILBERT: Nonsense! Everyone loves us! 

 

[birdcall]

 

HOST GILBERT: Yep, that’s right. Time to check the reviews…

 

[laughter]

 

[camera goes dark]

  
  


 

**...**

**CREDITS**

**...**

 

  
  


**And that’s it! Bravo,** **_GAY OR DEATH!_ **

 

**This crazy story of mine was originally published on FanFiction.net, but I had to take it down due to technical difficulties. I would still like to thank everyone who read and reviewed and messaged me; I would have probably never kept this updating schedule if it weren’t for you amazing, supportive people. Really, I owe a lot to you. And, of course, thanks to all my silent readers, too!**

 

**Writing this story has been…eventful…for me, but it’s been a blast. I hope everyone liked at least one part of** **_GAY OR DEATH_ ** **, and/or at least appreciated the** **_very sophisticated_ ** **humor. Check out the other works I have published some time, and feel free to message me about anything! I don’t know if or what I’ll write again, so I will say goodbye for now.**

 

**Again, thanks to everyone so very much!**


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